STALKER contest please help!!!

[operative x]

GSC is holding a contest for anyone who can wright a good story about their game S.T.A.L.K.E.R. Oblivion Lost and I'm about to submit a story, so PLEASE HELP ME OUT!!

My story


As the stalker awoke from a loud scratching sound and jolt from his belt, his head arose, he paned down to look at the start of the disturbance. As his visions clarity grew stronger, so did his fear. The noise was made by a massive rat. It was bleeding from the mouth with its bloodshot eyes it quickly chew the bindings of a small pouch of food. As it noticed its victims awareness it led out a loud shriek then quickly dashed away. The stalker shot out of his sleeping bag, he then ran to the rats nest disguised under a dead soldiers helmet. His hand slowly creep under like a snake, he grab the rats neck then
loosened his grip after feeling the jolt and crunch of broken bones. As the stalker stood up, he noticed a sparkle outside of the window on top of a building. He ignored it than sat down on is sleeping bag. But before his body fully came in contact with his sleeping bag he felt a gush of wind. A bullet flew through the stalkers hair, giving him a flesh wound to his scalp. Then another shot went straight to his shoulder striking a mirror behind him. The force of the blow knocked him to the floor low enough to hid him from anymore shots. He reached for his rifle and quickly grabbed a shard of glass. He used his foot to drag out a fallen clip from his bag then smacked it into position. He then lifted the shard finding the position of the sniper. After pausing for exactly 5 seconds he popped up holding up the barrel with his dangling numb hand. He took several shots then finally striking the man in the face. But if there was one thing a stalker always new was that army troops didn’t travel alone. He quickly rolled and grabbed his bag. Then dashed outside heading for the woods. While watching his back a Humvee appeared from behind the shed of the abandoned house. He bit down on the strap of the bag and pulled out a pistol with his good arm. Shooting blindly, hoping to hit the driver, but failed. He new that he wouldn’t outrun the Humvee, so, he decide to strafe around it at a 180 degree angle and running behind various trees. Once the driver and the gunner lost sight of him, he creped to the side of it and chucked a few grenades in the driver seat. As the stalker sprinted away the machine gunner followed him with a trail of bullet holes. After seconds of his stunt he heard the echo of the blast in the distance. He gave a small flinch as the loud blast started and then soon collapsed of exhaustion at a stump at a tree. As he sat down next to the tree he heard something drop down. He turned around but was greeted by a gun stock to the face. He awoke at a poorly lit lab in a huge water filled test tube. He looked up at two scientists starring at him, they said
“Our attempts are completed and successful!“ then the other said
“I wonder if we’ll get a bonus“ then the first scientist said
“Yeah right! Like that cheap bastard would give us a bonus!”.
His body felt numb and cold. As he looked down he saw his body replaced by the body of some kind of creatures.

please give your comments, thanks!

[NeoStarO1]

Needs lots of work, Serious grammer, spelling errors. Also your story starts off as first person story and then turns into a "script" towards the end. The word stalker is used too much through out the story.

Print it out and read it outloud to yourself and you'll see some of the errors.

Sorry to be so blunt.

[operative x]

Well... theres no real name for the people in the game except "stalker". Thanks for being honest, though I feel like **** nowhahaha

Also your story starts off as first person story and then turns into a "script" towards the end.

It does? Its not that i dont believe you but please point this part out so i can fix it. And also what spelling errors? I used spell check 10 times already. What do you see spelled wrong?




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[NeoStarO1]

do you have MS Word?

[operative x]

yeah

[FBA]

No offense dude, I know your story took some effort, but it looks like English is not your first language. If it's not your first language, don't worry, keep trying. Use a spelling checker/grammar checker, and learn how to tell if a sentence is "complete" or not.

[NeoStarO1]

Originally posted by operative x
yeah

Good, Im almost finished, I am NOT editing your document, only giving you suggestions through out the document in different colors of course.

I'll let you know when im done. PM me a email addy so I can send you the doc.

[NeoStarO1]

OPx, I sent you pm.

I am sorry if I had made you feel badly. That was not my intentions. Comments were asked for and I gave my honest opionion. I do like the plot of the story and needs some fine tuning to polish it up more. All writers do that.

I sent you pm.