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Join Date: Oct 2001 Location: SoCal
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My friends dog died :-(
I decided to share his eulogy if youve a moment to read it---(sorry about the formatting)
Sam Jr., the dog.
I get down on the floor with him and hold his head I cry like an infant,
wetting his muzzle with tears, I tell him I will miss him and that I've loved
him and his tail flops on the floor his only acknowledgment other than out
stretching his paws and pushing against my hand.. I feel cold, his
circulation is failing, he can't tell anything about what is happening, and
I am so sad. I will never have another dog like SamJr.,.. we shared so much
it together. from his birth I knew he was special and special he was, we did
it so much together he was the major part of my life, truly a very major
part and I know that a dog like him as comes once in a lifetime he is
unique, he was my best dog, a loss of a major part of my life and that dog
was my emotional anchor and now I am cast adrift in sorrow, pain. and grief
He struggles to move for he wants to be closer like being close eases his
pain and a yet it adds to mine, but I don't care, he comes first, I had said
good-bye, I think he knows at some level,
I think it's impossible to describe the swirling and dark depths of despair,
the unending pain of loss of my companion, my friend and helper, truly the
canine version of my only child!! I can only guess this is what feels like to
lose a young child, innocent and sweet, pure and unaware of the finality of
life--- Sam stares into space as if he can see death looming up before him,
with no fear and only a slight apprehension----- when I lie with him on the
floor he is happy for a moment, a brief moment his eyes shine, he is nearer
his master and he is complete.
Dumb animals
He's just a dumb dog, they don't feel- they don't think--- that's what
people tell me.......dogs may or may not think but they do feel, they feel
everything! It's all they do.. they are a creature of emotion and emoting.
can they have feelings for their master? no one knows, but the actions are
the most revealing--daily actions, the joy when you come home, the misery
when you leave, the indifference when you ignore them, the solicitations of
attention, after 30 year with my three dogs and they have taught me well the
communicated language of their emotions, their broad range of emotions and
feelings are quite complex and sophisticated a communications system I know
that dogs like Sam comes once in a lifetime, he is unique, he was my dog and
in my heart he will always be
Dumb animals.. How many have I killed in my life all without any feeling
for their loss.. what is different here?.... he has my feelings
inside, adopted by example all from observation and feed back (and
evolution), I have seen it Sam is loved and that love he feels and that love
he reciprocates makes all the difference, he is deeply loved and cared for
and that's what set Sam apart from Dumb animals. Sam exposed to love,
treated lovingly, he reciprocates in his own way, adoption of my love
bequives him a soul to pray over, sadness has no depth, is so infinite I have never known how deep you can sink into sadness until my dog got sick and his health began to fail, even before his demise, I mourn his eventual passing, pre morning so
speak, just looking at Sam so sick, so unable to do what he wants, in pain
and obviously suffering, he wags his tail------ his tail wags as if to say he
is sorry for the trouble he feels he is causing by his illness, it is all he
can do barely able to walk, he manages to do his dog business, he still tries
to get the paper but after staggering out to his favorite tree he only smells
it and then turns to go back in- the house, this is how he lets me know how
bad off he is, yesterday I open the door and he'd longingly looked to the
street but did not get up, a sadness crosses our eyes, he couldn't do it
anymore the end is now very near, I must relieve the suffering and I must let
him. for keeping him any longer would be a purely selfish act on my
part and no benefit to him--- he is no longer able to be Sam, he needs to be
relieved from the body that has betrayed him, some see a dog as a chain around the neck--- responsibility that gets in the way of what they want do-- when faced with a decision they declare "no more dogs" there too much trouble to messy, smelly, dirty, destructive, etc. you cant go out when you want to, you can't do what you wanted to, not willing to share their life-- so modern - typical, so very selfish the dog is a chain
around their neck dragging them down to Domestic hell, you know, the "me
first" types often so willing to give me advice, so quick to point out how
foolish I am for having a dog and now I can fix my "bad" decision of 30
years----now-------------I see that chain connected to an emotional anchor, keeping me from drifting into lonely despair and hopelessness.. that emotional anchor
there is an integral part of my life and when it is missing my life is adrift
and there is no hope for me, crushing and devastating drift in a morass of
loneliness, a vacuum in my life no focus, no warmth, a strange fearful
coldness. up until now a broken heart was just a word, a meaningless
word... stupid, over used term, relied on by song writers and hysterical
types, a junk word I thought. well now I understand exactly I have one
now and the grief overwhelms, the grief it sweeps over me and engulfs me
and crushes me to the point I cannot speak, cannot think, just tears, just
cries, just a crushing internal feeling so impossible to describe it sweeps
over like a wave crashing over me and then begins to roll out leaving me
numb, not able to think, just a cold dead feeling left behind.
My dog became part of me, an integral part filling a wide gap in my life, a
life without much love-- no wives, no children, few relatives to speak of,
just emptiness.
Sam filled that major void in my life with joy, filled it with love, and now
it is gone. When he passes away part of me dies, the whole world changed, it
looks and feels different, it doesn't seem right, something is missing, a
strange feel to the air, a vacuum, a cold cutting fear of loneliness that is
deep and depressing.
Ode to a dying dog,
as Sam was dying, on heavy painkillers to ease his suffering, I watched
him dream, I've been watching him dream since he was a newborn puppy, before
his eyes had opened and I wondered what he was seeing in his dreams---
running on feet he had never used before, looking in a world in never seen
before, what was he dreaming? ...............and now that his days have
ended what is the dying dog dreaming of now? of his master? his hunting
trips? his long car rides? The bar b que party's, visiting my friends,
visiting his dog and human friends, camping flying to Florida these were
all things that made him happy and he was happiest when he was with me, he
was happy when he was with other people he liked, he was happiest when they
invited him in there house, and then Sam rewarded them with exceptionally
good behavior, some of these people grew really love Sam, Leon who hated dogs
and grew to really like Sam proving it by inviting him to his wedding party
making and presenting Sam with his own steak, a dog that that received
invitations to parties most people loved having him around the ones
that truly knew him knew he was gentle with wonderful manners in a group and
that's what made him truly happy, was to be with people he liked and those
people invited him into their lives were truly the winners and all the others
who didn't know him who felt it was just another hairy ball of allergens, a
threat to there cat or noisy nuisance well they told me all I need to know
about what kind of people they really are and all because of the dog, for Sam
could tell the true nature of a lot of people it was as if he could see into
their soul and let me know whether there was good or bad to where it seemed
as if he was a watchdog of the ethereal and warning me when a degraded
spirit was present, its is if he could see inside them and his watchdog
instincts warned me of a possible bad tendency in people…. conversely when
Sam liked someone it was the highest recommendation and it was a can't miss
he could accurately identifiy a good heart and I made note of that... for I
am sure he was the greatest friend and associate in this way, helping me
with some of the more advanced matters of life beyond just getting the
paper in the morning and keeping me company and warming my feet under desk,
he always loved being close, he always wanted to have one paw resting on your
foot even if it meant for him to be completely uncomfortable, his comfort was
secondary to him-- just being close to you is the most important.
He lays at my feet with labored breathing a little quivers of pain rack his
body unable to get comfortable he raises head looking for relief from his
body that is finally betrayed him and will no longer enjoy a cookie or get a
paper, pee on a tree. He dreams in little spurts as the morphine gives him
momentary relief. I get down on the floor with him and hold his head and cry
... wetting his muzzle with tears. I tell him I will miss him and then that
I love him ... and he flops is tail on a floor ... it is all the acknowledgment he can do, out stretching the paw and pushing against my handI could never imagining what thislevel of grief feels like, words fail completely, I never knew these feelings even existed until I experienced them first hand and now I truly, deeply and fully understand what it means to have a broken heart
Sam died January 9, 2002 Wednesday at 4:00 a.m. he died a quiet death and
left this world with his dignity and his honor intact.
A truly noble creature to the very end
jrrb
1/10/02
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