I don't know anymore

[Warthog]

I think i'm going into the part in my life where in 10+ years I'll speak of as the "rough part" of my life...I'm facing all these new challenges and scenarios on a day to day basis...temptations everywhere...I'm trying to get over a 'crush' I had for 3 months. Ok, some of you are getting over actual relationships but don't scoff at me - you have to understand that when I really like a girl, I really really like her, not just for bang bang...for a permanent thing. Turns out I read the wrong signals, she's much different than I thought she was...I was so sure that she was that perfect and that she would be 'mine' someday...to be wrong about that after never having felt that way about someone EVER.....it's hard to deal with.

My mood goes UP and DOWN like a freakin roller coaster...I don't think I know myself anymore. I don't know what I like, don't like, my morals are deteriorating....you know, I used to NEVER swear outloud before I came to Ft. Myer...now I'm out of control. For the first time in my life tonight, I was tempted to drink. Yup. Me who crusades against the evil of alcohol and how it's a crutch for the weak minded was actually TEMPTED to drink tonight to escape my issues. Isn't that sad??! I try to think of myself as some strong willed d00d but it isn't the case. Don't give me that "you're only human" crap because I want to be beyond that.

Tonight I even went to a club for the first time.....back in VT, my friends tried to get me to go to one once - now this is VT, the clubs there SUCK (tiny, lame, ghetto, etc. etc.)...I adamantly refused, no way, no how. Yet tonight, for WHATEVER REASON tonight I decide to go with a bunch of guys to Dream nightclub, one of the, if not the BIGGEST nightclub in the DC area. Why??! Who knows!! Which brings me to the reason why I almost drank...some of you may remember the object (formerly) of my affection, whom I am speaking of on this fine freaking evening....well she came tonight and was having a grand time grinding against all sorts of guys, even myself...the thing is, she's engaged....I mean, wtf. I've realized over the past few weeks that any 'special' treatment I thought she gave me was the same treatment she gives anyone else...even though in my mind, I've sacrificed a HELLUVA lot for her, to be with her, to do favors, everything, anything I've done it...she was the alpha female in my mind, yet I'm just another guy in hers, maybe a bit more than that, but still.......I don't know.

Tonight was not the catalyst....it was simply another door that opened into her life so I could see how she really is. A LOT more than this has happened - a few of you close to me might know more details....been one roller coaster ride over these 3 months. What sucks is that I thought I knew how she was, I thought I knew she was a great woman for me...I was the surest I've been in my entire life - NOPE wrong answer. Go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200. Even on a friend level, I am FAR more loyal to her than she is to me......that part is still under evaluation though....Just look at the aforementioned thread - how confident I am, ignoring peoples advice that at least turned out to be partly true.

Working out helps a bit - the mental fix is only temporary....and sometimes doesn't even help me escape, or I just can't do enough w/o breaking my body. I know I'll get over this, I always do...but I always return at some point also :-/

As the days go by, I just get more and more confused...I don't know what to do anymore. I even went to church a few weeks ago but it sucked and wasn't real. Last week I tried again at a different one...it didn't even start and I walked out, wasn't 'feeling' it. A LARGE part of me prays (not really), "Please send another girl into my life who has the good qualities of this one but likes me in the same way and matches me more"...wahhhhh. In my silly mind I think that will solve my problems - having another infactuation....do I need another person to help me out?? Another person to set me on the straight and narrow...wtf, I dunno.
:-/
Warthog

[sharder8]

Hey Wart --

I went through the same thing when I was younger and in the Army I chose to get involved with the dangerous side of it and not worry about it. (I wasn't a Mr. Goody Two-shoes though.) Anyway, at age 27, I found the right one and my attitude turned completely around. We were married when I was 27 and had our 1st child when I was 29.

My thinking continued to change and by 31, I could no-longer keep on the dangerous side and went into a Deplyment Control Unit and then into an S & S BN. Finally, I chose to get out and spend my time with my wife and 2 children. (We were eventually forced to stop at 3! )

My point, that I'm trying to make is that it will happen when the time is right, and there isn't much you will be able to do to prevent it or fight it. Enjoy life, have fun, and don't be in a hurry to find the right one! It will happen!

Harder

[Dax_Brandy]

Hey, Warth! You're still very young. Got lot's of things to enjoy. i have been through those times in my life when i was young like you, but heck, i made sure i am in control of those things... i think it's just natural to look up to somebody as perfect as the angels in heaven... but the hardest part is when you get to know her more (her lifestyle, her darkside, etc, etc) and that's what made you feel right now. i experienced that too. the lesson i learned was this: not to expect too much from what you see and initially feel. take a closer look first before you decide on what to do next. there are other women out there that are more deserving for you and you to them. more refined and worthy of your affection.

You have much time to look for the right one. dont rush things...
20 isnt the end of everything.

Good luck!

[nunyadam]

Originally posted by sharder8
Hey Wart --

My point, that I'm trying to make is that it will happen when the time is right, and there isn't much you will be able to do to prevent it or fight it. Enjoy life, have fun, and don't be in a hurry to find the right one! It will happen!

Harder

What he said.

[Gait_Keeper]

Hey you'll be ok, it will take some time, but you'll be ok

Don't drink it will just make things SEEM 10x what they really are and you may do something you'll regret.

yes go to the club or clubs meet new people, do new things to keep your mind off of what you need to recover from.

be strong, most of us have been there and we're still here

[OuTpaTienT]

Hey Wart, only thing I can say is hang in there. I know it's a cliche but life truly is like a roller coaster, many ups and downs. And just like a roller coaster you can't have one without the other. With no high points and no low points in the track it wouldn't be much of a coaster now would it?

I'd like to tell you that painful things in life eventually stop happening and all becomes well. But that's not true. There's still plenty of pain ahead for you. But remember it can't be all pain, life also has many joyous and wonderful things in store for you as well. Gotta take the good with the bad.

Have you seen the South Park episode "Raisins"? It was on a couple weeks back. If you have not seen it, you need to see it. People may rag on me for using South Park as inspiration, but screw 'em...just trust me, you need to see this episode. It's got a good message for ya.

I'm not one of these people that think you should do "x" activity to help you get over "y" problem. I think you should do whatever it is you feel you NEED to do. If you need to go out with the guys to a club in order to help you deal with this, then do it. If you need to hang out alone and cry or workout or write poetry or songs or whatever...then do that. Whatever you think is going to help you get past this. And before you even realize it you're gonna hear that clickity-clank sound of the chain catching hold of your coaster and like it or not it's gonna pull you back up to one of life's higher points. Don't fight it. Enjoy the ride.

[vass0922]

crushes definately suck
dunno... my pessimism usually keeps me safe
If I don't get my hopes up, they can't be crushed
Not a healthy method, but tends to work for me.
I will say though, don't go for the alcohol. I've seen the final results when alcohol is used to hide problems and its not a pretty sight.
hang in there man... she's not good enough for you
kick back in a game and blow up stuff

[Detritus]

I hate crushes, they always crash leaving you feeling horrible. They are a fun ride when it is good, but an ugly ride when it is bad. Anyway, hang in there Wart, I had a few crushes before I married my best friend. Worked out well for me, fewer rollar coaster rides and we have been married for almost 7 years and have a lovely daughter. On the drinking issue, if the loss of a girl is your reason for drinking stay away from the booze. I have seen it too often where ppl drink for that reason for years. After that time, they are left with the same problems they had before and now they have alcoholism to deal with. Take care Wart and don't shut yourself off to love and relationships since it appears to be something you really want. If you allow yourself to get too calloused to love you might miss a great opportunity to share your life with someone.

Det

[U-96]

Hey Wart, chin up!
You've always suggested that, given the chance, you'd aim for a long career in the military, and I respect you for that. Remember that if you're looking for a life-long companion, that's going to tough on them, and tough on any kids you may have in the future. I was an air force brat, so I know what it's like when dad's overseas for long periods. With this in mind, you've got to be very picky about who you may choose. You'll both have to be patient, faithful, tolerant - that's a tall order for any couple, but especially when the military starts sending you places for months at a time. You might even decide that you don't want to have that responsibility early in your career, so that you don't feel restricted in what you can and cannot do. That's your choice to make.

Set your standards high, and move on. And don't knock yourself out over a couple of beers wth friends. No shame in that. But Detritus is right, don't make a habit of it, it'll screw your life up more than any woman could...

[Blazer06]

Im not alone.
I think that i should of listened to you about sam. but you know how it feels, you just cant belive what people tell you, even if a little part of you knows its true. i guess you just have to go on and you live and learn. thats what they tell me anywyas.


Blaze