__________, walks into a bar

[Prison Kids]

Any good bar jokes? You fill in the rest.




Here's mine:

A guy and his little dog walk into a bar and start watching a Seahawks game. Every time the Seahawks score, the little dog jumps up on the table and does three back flips, then jumps down. After the third touchdown, the bartender finally walks up to the guy and says "Hey, that's a pretty neat dog you got there. What does he do when they win a game?". The guy says, "I don't know, I've only had him for five years."


(Dam those Seahawks )

[M_Six]

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve food here."

[Detritus]

A string walks into a bar and orders a beer, bartender says sorry we don't serve strings here... So string leaves, frays his ends and ties himself into a knot then walks back into the bar. He orders a beer, bartender says aren't you the same string at was just in here. String looks up and says no, I am afraid not (a frayed knot) get it... oh well, you started it...

[Brainchild]

2 guys walked into a bar













the third guy ducked

[Atomic Rooster]

A giraffe walks into a bar and says "the high balls are on me."

[draboo]

a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar and the bartender says


"what are you guys,some kind of joke??"

[Knothead]

PrisonKids walks into a bar. "Set 'em up, bartender!" he says. "I want six shots of the finest, most expensive single-malt Scotches you've got!"

"Wow, that's quite a bit, pal" says the bartender. "What's the occasion?"

"Oh, no occasion. But if you had what I've got, you'd be knockin' 'em back too!" as he quaffed the first round.

"What's up? Cancer? Wife leavin' ya? Rabies?" The puzzled bartender asked.

"Naw. Nothin' like that. Hey, you keep 'em coming, okay?" as two more shots of the expensive whiskey disappeared down the neck of the obviously thirsty PK...

The bartender serves up two more, and then reaches for the Talisker, and pours a shot of that...which is quickly dispatched...

Now the bartender is really curious, and again inquires, "Well, so...what is it you've got, huh?"

The now-thoroughly inebriated PK glances up at the bartender, wipes his mouth on the back of his sleeve, and belches out, "About twenty-seven cents!" and made a mad dash for the door!

[jokostel]

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.
So he decides to crawl the 4 miles home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?"
He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

[Knothead]

Well, this little fella **sashays** into a bar.

He cups his hands in front of his face and announces, "The first first big, strong brute who can guess what I've got in my hands gets a (you guess the rest)".

From the back of the bar, Jokostel you know, the guy who tells those "drunken Irishman" jokes, yells out, "An Elephant!!"

The little fella peeks in between his cupped fingers and says, "Looks like we got a winner!"

[no1_vern]

Long joke
A man walks up to the bar with a big ostrich behind him. As he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The barman asks, "What'll it be?"

The man says, "I'll have a beer," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have a beer as well," says the ostrich. He looks at the cat, and says, "I suppose you want a drink too." The cat replies, "I'll have a half, but I ain't fookin' payin'!"

So the barman pulls two and a half beers, and says, "That'll be three dollars forty, please." The man reaches into his pocket, feels around, and pulls out exactly three-forty in change. A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls the exact amount out of the same pocket.

The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat return to the same bar. "I'll have a beer," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich, and the cat orders up a half... "But I ain't fookin' payin'!" Repeat of yesterday.

The guy pays each time with the exact amount from his pocket. This becomes almost a regular routine until late one evening, the trio enters again.

"The same?" asks the barman.

"Well", says the man, "it's close to closing time. I'll have a large scotch." He turns to the ostrich inquiringly. The bird says, "I'll have a large scotch as well." The cat says, "I'll have a small scotch... but I ain't fookin' payin'!"

The barman rings up the drinks and turns, with a sly grin, "that'll be seven dollars twenty, please." To his amazement, the man pulls the exact seven twenty out of his pocket. As the trio are finishing their drinks, the barman can't contain his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir, but before you leave there's something I must know... how do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago, I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes."

"That's fantastic", says the barkeep, "What did you wish for?"

"Well, if I ever need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there."

"That's brilliant," says the barman, "most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live."

"That's right, whether its a quart of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there. The best thing I ever did!"

As he turns to go, the barman calls him back and says, "One last thing, sir... err, your friends there... we don't get many cats or ostriches drinking in here...?"

The man looks glum. "Yes, I know. That's probably the worst thing I ever did, but I'm stuck with 'em. You see, for my second wish from the genie, I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight *****."