Corruption in Society

[Blazer06]

part of the essay im writing for ... no specific reason.

http://www.freewebs.com/blazingstuff/society.htm

contains a few objectionable words (i.e. two swears).

thoughs and comments?


Blaze

HEY! you used my real name :-p so i changgyed it. now to figure out who you are.. .must be Whir whats worse is i then edited my name wrong.
You should be careful not to use them on the board, Blaze. You know the rules.

[RedFury]

I am too corrupted to understand this

The way it reads to me, you need to expand on your thoughts and break them up into more digestable paragraphs. I'm getting too much information to quickly, and not enough substance to buy the argument.

Make any sense? I like the subject though, makes me think that there is hope out there in our youth. When I was in school, I never divulged my thoughts into anything nearly as deep as that.

[Gomer]

paragraphs would be nice.

[Blazer06]

OMG... SO sorry about the language... just copied and pasted... sorry people!!


Blaze

[Warthog]

Yeah, paragraphs would help on the readability.

[Blazer06]

okay got paragraphs....

and redfury.. yeah you would understand all of it... when im done writing... lol, some of my friends understand, while others are like "wha"


Blaze

[RedFury]

My assumption was that it was a work in progress.

Personally, I love looking over work ( almost like a teacher ).

[Blazer06]

updated, i put it in a link.. cause its kinda big for a post.


Blaze

[SeanC]

Not bad, not bad at all.

I'd look at breaking the larger paragraphs into smaller ones. There is A LOT of information in those two large paragraphs to absorb with no break or introduction into the next point.

I would suggest that you expand on the point near the end about children in public school being trained to be a mass of followers and how there are a select few who are trained in how to lead this mass of trained followers. While those with money and influence can get their children trained to take their places' as leaders.

Sean