Opinions Wanted

[ClubMed]

I am in the process of writing a short sci-fi story. I would be interested to know what you all think of it so far, it's only a few lines. I'm a big fan of Isaac Asimov, Philip K. Dick, Arthur C. Clarke and Neal Asher, and have always wanted to do some creative writing.

Please be brutally honest

Thanks in advance.

[see latest thread]

[Optimus Prime]

Cool, very Bladerunnerish. Scarily true about the human interaction stuff though, we seem to be doing it less and less these days.

[Epidemic]

The beginning is fun and well written.

"Titan class pilot less transporter " For some reason I had to read that several times. To me that did not read smooth for me.



I would go with The Titan Class transporter. the latest in megacorp GM/Ford/Hundyi/toyota's long line of pilot less blah blah blah. Built by slave labor in mexico

Seriously though I like it.

I also like the idea of population control. I would like to see where you take that tack.

[ClubMed]

I've changed it to 'Titan class unmanned transporter', I think that sounds better.

Thanks for the advice and please keep it coming

[Epidemic]

What about

the latest in megacorp GM/Ford/Hundyi/toyota's long line of pilot less blah blah blah... Built by slave labor American Iraq.

[ClubMed]

ill leave that for later thanks

[TOAD6147]

It sounds very interesting and a good start. I would suggest that you reference the actual date at some point to give the phrase "...The age of sixth-gen communication..." some relevance. At this point readers will know that we are in the future but ,"How far?". Down the page where "Guardian" gives the time perhaps it should give the date as well. Even if it's a futuristic calendar of some sort, you need to give readers a place to "anchor" time in relation to their present reality,...IMO.

[ClubMed]

Excellent advice TOAD, ill make the changes in the next update. Thanks!

[Epidemic]

Toads observation was bugging me as well but I figured you would eventually descripe the 6th generation and timeframe in some fashion.

Good catch though.

[Epidemic]

'Titan class unmanned transporter'


Un-piloted Titan class transport.

artificially guided titan class transport/transporter.

artificial Intelligence Titan class transport.

The new smart titan class transport. The latest version of which had recently done away with the troublesome human interface.


(transporter may fit but It brings to my mind getting beamed like in startrek.)