ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT? (Senior Citizen Version)

[Sweeper]

ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT? (Senior Citizen Version)



Are you lonesome tonight?
Does your tummy feel tight?
Did you bring your mylanta and tums?

Does your memory stray,
To that bright sunny day,
When you had all your teeth and your gums?

Is your hairline receding?
Your eyes growing dim?
Hysterectomy for her,
And its prostate for him.


Does your back give you pain?
Do your knees predict rain?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

Is your blood pressure up?
Good cholesterol down?
Are you eating your low fat cuisine?

All that oat bran and fruit,
Metamucil to boot.
Helps you run like
A well oiled machine.


If it's football or baseball,
He sure knows the score.
Yes, he knows where it's at
But forgets what it's for.

So your gallbladder's gone,
But your gout lingers on,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

When you're hungry, he's not,
When you're cold, he is hot,
Then you start that old thermostat war.

When you turn out the light,
He goes left and you go right,
Then you get his great symphonic snore.

He was once so romantic,
So witty and smart;
How did he turn out to be such
A cranky old fart?

So don't take any bets,

It's as good as it gets,

Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has left the building

[M_Six]

I don't know whether to laugh because it's funny or cry because it's true. <-?->

[Bovon]

A man and his wife were about to celebrate 50 years together.
Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy agreed to a Sunday dinner in honor of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had a varied assortment of excuses.

"Happy anniversary Mom and dad," gushed son number one.... "Sorry I'm running late... had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present."

"Not to worry," said the dad...."The important thing is that we will all be together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and mom still look great dad. Just flew in from L. A. and didn't have time to get you a present....sorry." "It's nothing," said the father, "glad you were able to be here."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello you both, happy anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing.... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."

Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."

During dinner, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen you three, there's something your mother and I wanted to tell you for a long time. Well... your mother and I came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. We always knew we loved each other but.....never got around to getting married."

The three kids gasped and said, "You...you.. mean we're.......... BASTARDS ?"

"Yep," said the dad....."and cheap ones too."

[Sweeper]