do you feel alone?

[DPA]

is it just me, or am I alone in this world? I don't feel that I am going crazy, or perhaps partially psychotic with a bit of sociopathic rage. I feel depressed, worthless, and out of place here i... i don't know what to do. I've been here before, like in a hallway with no sound, no detail other than the aged suspended ceiling that extends towards a door at the end.

What is this? I have been having visions, dreams of the future, things that happened, things what may. Yesterday i experienced a very taxing day, i had nothing to look forward to, extremely low quality day, and i can say if it weren't for a conversation with sixf00t4, i do not think it would have been worth waking up for. I only wake up because i know that in but a few hours, i may sleep again... to dream.

I have never had anyone to care for me... im very independent, religious, but not evangelical about it. I do not think i shall meet a mate in my life, i feel that i am too complex, or as too many people tell me "you think too much" or quote the worst line ive heard in my life from Van Wilder "don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out alive." I can't take such simplistic idiocy much longer, i feel that I am alone, destined to fulfill my high expectations which every day seem less and less realistic, yet i shall achieve them. I have met only Three people in my life whom i can talk with, and walk away feeling good about it. One from Thailand, another from Mexico, and the last here at techimo. I did have a friend whom she was extremely well thought, and dang good looking, but she did not take to me well, because of this *points to brain*

Is it so criminal to be like me? Why must I be who i am? I wish for the most basic things in life, yet i get the "super" form of them... i just want to be held, just once. Ive hardly made contact with another human body ever, not even with my parents... why? Am i that repulsive that even as a child i was not held? Touch is an amazing thing, i've yet to truly experience it. It's much like being in an open field, where i have riches, a home, and beautiful scenery, but there is no sun to which i can truly enjoy what i have. I feel blind, scared, but in good physical health. I have been well blessed with 4 loving families, im not a foster child, my parents have been divorced and remarried many times to other families, and i kept the ties. I have been so fortunate as to be given many of the gifts of past generations, but what i have in this physical world, i do not have in the metaphysical world. I do not know what it is like, all i know is that i want it, much like the child who wants to try ovaltine because of the commericals.

Am i the only one in my state that is like this? Im not suicidal, nor am i poor, i do not feel that i am ugly, i feel that i look like the average college student; so what is it about me that is so impossible to other people? I learned computers because of the gifts of my family and their support, but even then, i go "out" and people will not believe that i know what i am doing, how can a nearly 19 year old boy possibly hope to understand these "computers?" My general frustrations with the world led me to the world of forums, irc, and other individuals like me.

I write movie plots in my spare time, often they come to me like a brick to the skull. I am struck by their complexity and various scenes... i write them down and shelf them for review later on. This is what i want to do for the rest of my life, make movies...

Am i insane for wanting so little?

[tmx468]

DPA... you'll have a PM in a couple of mins

[Cruez]

Some people have more running through their heads than others....

I have the occasional periods where I think that no one else thinks like I do... in your case, I can tell by the writing, you have a more creative thought process than the average person.

I don't think I would "dumb down" my way of thinking, just to "fit in" if I were you. I think there are people that share the same thinking that you do.... they are just not as abundant...

It seems that I meet more ignorant people every day..... and they are getting more so...

(edit)... I take that back, I think I am guilty of "dumbing down" my thoughts to the "average joe"....the more I think about it... I have been doing it so long, its actually become habit..... but it gets kinda frustrating not being able to express my thoughts clearly, so some can understand...

[DPA]

thanks for the responses, PM's too, it helps

i've got a website that lists my past experiences and interesting [imo] conclusions and links i have made in life... but i am not ready to expose it yet, ill give it time. Its out there, but it has no correlation with me, any alias i have, nor any function that is normally seen in me... it can only be found by pure chance.

I talked with several here at campus about my trouble, many reject any sense of "greatness" about themselves, or that I in fact am worth their time.. rather painful, but its okay, i have my own world: dreams.

Luckily, i am finding that more and more that the man living in room #328 is much like me, but he is the popular form of me. Essentially he is a better version of me in one sense. I hope that he and i can talk sometime, we've spoken, but not listened...

time

*edit* i agree with you cruez, i am guilty of the same thing as you are, how can i explain what someone has not seen or heard without an analogy? I love to speak and write with such fluidity of motion, yet i find it that i bore others with my ravings, and therefore include more popular and basic words. Hmm, i don't think that I will ever be able to do differently either.

[ben-the-slacker]

Meet my friend, Mr. Travis Bickle.

[Gouki]

DPA! Hey man...I was kinda wondering about you for a bit. Had noticed that you weren't in the IRC channel for a little while.

Couple things off the top of my head:

1) You're never alone...you've got tons of budz here at TechIMO! The ppl here are great listeners

2) I think everyone goes through phases like what you're going through now. I've been on the rollercoaster myself here lately...some days are good. Other days I just wish it was over so I could go back to bed. There's been many times that I've holed myself away in my room, shutting myself off from the outside world.

3) I too have been told that I think too much. Been told that many times. And in the past 5 years or so, I think I've mellowed out quite a bit. By that I mean...before I did tend to over-analyze things and be a bit too emotional. Thinking too much can and will get you in to trouble...I know I've blown many chances with girls because of it. Maybe if I would have just laid back, relaxed and just let things happen then things would have turned out differently.

4) As far as "just wanting to be held" goes...dude I know exactly where you're coming from. In my limited experience, I think the most painful thing is to be in love with someone when they're not in love with you. This is how my marriage ended up. I loved my wife...very, VERY much. And towards the end before we seperated it seemed that if I fell off the face of the earth, she wouldn't care. I wanted the same things you did. To be held, to be kissed...for someone to show affection towards me. It really, REALLY hurt when I'd try to snuggle up with her while watching tv and she'd shy away and say, "Ugghhh...I'm trying to watch this"

*Random Thoughts*

For a short time in my life, I thought I had it all. I was happily married, my wife and I both had good jobs, we were able to pay all our bills...we even had a cat! I really thought that things were going in the right direction for my life. I was so looking forward to buying a house and starting a family. Then things started to fall apart. One by one the things that I held in such high regard started to fall by the wayside. Before I knew it...my wife and I were seperated, I wasn't working out anymore (TKD), I was having problems with my job, I wasn't going to school anymore and last but not least...I had to move back home with mom-n-dad because I suddenly couldn't make it on my own anymore. In my mind...I was very close to hitting bottom

It was then that I heard a voice in my head, "It's only after we've lost everything...that we're free to do whatever we want."

--In Tyler we Trust.

Keep your head up DPA...just hang in there. Stop by the IRC channel tonight if you feel like talking some more. I'll be around.

[Germ]

DPA.....I understand exactly how you are feeling. For the last few years, since my fiance was killed in a car accident, I've been alone. As recently as 3 weeks ago, I really thought that was about to change. Unfortunately I was lied to and taken advantage of. I think I would still forgive her, but she doesn't even want to try. Guess there wasn't anything there to start with. So........I'm back where I was. I realise this is no consolation to you. I just wanted you to know that I understand.

[DPA]

Hey Gouki, im on IRC right now, just kinda chilling, working that work that this institution feels that i should be given.

I've been in this situation before, exactly 11 months ago, it took me about 1.5 months to come out of it, and when i did, i still didn't feel very good... I guess i just decided that i was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

it just seems so complex for me operate this life of mine in its meager point in time right now. I went to the ceramics lab and built a pot and crafted on a sculpture, it certainly helped me think out some problems, and work on my most recent movie plot, so far my second best i have thought of.

Thanks for your responses and points of view/experiences, i respect you for offering such information up in such a public place, some of you have chosen PM's which i respect also, thank you very much, today is worth waking up for.

[tmx468]

You are welcome mate - this is, indeed a community, and everyone is always here!

[Gouki]

well I'm off work and finally settled in at home...so I'll be on IRC til late tonight.

Also...some things I meant to add in my last post:

"Whatever doesn't kill you...makes you stronger"

God wouldn't let something happen to you if you couldn't handle it. Whatever you're going through...God knows you can handle it. Consider it a test...