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Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: Wwwwaconia, MMMinnesota
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Christmas Parodies (this is really long)
The 12 Days of Christmas
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December 14, 1985
Dearest John,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised darling!
With deepest love,
Agnes
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December 15, 1985
Dearest John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are truly adorable!
With all my love,
Your Agnes
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December 16, 1985
Dearest John,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! But I really must protest, I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. My goodness. You are just a darling of course, but I must insist, you've been too kind!
Love,
Agnes
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December 17, 1985
Dear John,
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are plainly beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic dear.
Affectionately,
Agnes
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December 18, 1985
Dearest darling John,
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings! One for every finger! You're just impossible darling, but oh how I love it! Frankly all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves, I am glad you thought of something different.
All my love,
Agnes
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December 19, 1985
Dear John,
When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I can't sleep through all the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
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December 20, 1985
John,
What the hell is with you and those ***** birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!?? There's bird s* everywhere! The little bastards never shut up, I can't sleep anymore, and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny you weirdo.
Sincerely,
Agnes
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December 21, 1985
O.K. Buster,
The birds were bad enough, but what the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had to bring their damn cows!! There is s* all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house!! Just lay off me smarta**, or you'll be sorry!
Agnes
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December 22, 1985
Hey S*******,
What are you, some kind of sadist!?! Now there's nine pipers playing! Christ do they play! They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting a petition against me.
You'll get yours!
Agnes
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December 23, 1985
You rotten jerk!!!
Now there's ten ladies dancing! But they're not ladies! These broads are having an orgy with the pipers! Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea! My living room is a river of s***, and the building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause for having all these animals. I'm calling the police on you creep!
One who means it!
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December 24, 1985
Listen f*******!
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies!?!?! Some of those broads will never walk again! At least the birds are quiet. They were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you are satisfied you rotten vicious swine!
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
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December 25, 1985
Law Offices of Badger, Binder, and Irwin
30 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois
Dear Sir,
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes McHolstein. The destruction of course was total.
If you attempt to reach Ms. McHolstein at Happy Daze Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.
Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Merry Christmas smarta**!! (snicker snicker)
Cordially,
Badger, Binder, and Irwin
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Brooklyn 'Twas The Night Before Christmas
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mellow,
Not a creature was stirrin’,
(I had a gun unda my pillow.)
When up on da roof’
I heard somethin’ pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, “Ay! Keep it down!”
When what to my
Wanderin’ eyes should appear,
But dat hairy elf Vinny,
And eight friggin’ reindeer.
Wit’ a bad hackin’ cough,
And da stencha burped beer,
I knew in a moment
Yo, da Kringle wuz here!
Wit’ a slap to dere snouts,
And a yank on dere manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.
“Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Sally, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!”
As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
Down came his friggin’ boot
On da top a my head.
His eyes were all bloodshot,
His b.o. wuz scary,
His breath wuz like sewage,
He had a mole dat wuz hairy.
He spit in my eye,
And he twisted my head,
He soon let me know
I should consider myself dead.
Den pointin’ a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He let out some gas,
And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screaming,
And away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin’.
But I heard him exclaim,
Or better yet grump,
“Merry Christmas to all, and
Bite me, ya hump!”
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A Redneck Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin'
'Cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba,
Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin' down his chin
Was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung
by the chimney with care,
And therefore there was
a foul stench in the air.
From out in the yard
There came such a noise
That Bubba got scared
And rousted the boys.
There was Rufus, 12;
Jim Bob was 11;
Dud goin' on 10;
Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky
Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls
So they let them be.
They jumped in their overalls,
No need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head,
Then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack
That hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns;
They grabbed them all.
Bubba said to the young'uns,
"Now hesh up ya'll!
The last thing we wanna do
Is wake up yer Maw."
Maw was expecting
And needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door
Without making a peep.
They all looked around,
and then they all spit.
The young'uns asked Bubba,
"Paw, what is it?"
Bubba just stared;
He could not say a word.
This was just like all of
The stories he'd heard.
It was Santy Claus on the roof,
Darn tootin'
But the boys didn't know;
They was about to start shootin'!
They aimed their shotguns
and nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted
in venison steak.
Bubba hollered out,
"Don't shoot, boys!"
That's Santy Claus
And he's brought us some toys.
The dogs were a-barkin'
And a-raisin' cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted,
And called them by name.
"Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet!
Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!
Git, Turnip and Tater
and Sam and old Joe!"
"Git down from that porch!
Git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer,
Or you'll make Santy fall!"
The dogs kept a-barkin'
And wouldn't shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete
Who was only a pup.
Santy opened his bag,
And threw out some toys.
Bubba got most,
But left a few for the boys.
From up on the roof
Santa heaved a great sigh.
Since the guns had been dropped
He just might not die.
He jumped in his sleigh,
Told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble
Santa started to worry.
Just as the reindeer
Got into the air,
The trailer collapsed,
But Bubba didn't care.
He was busy lookin'
At all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him,
And he said to the boys:
"Go check on yer Maw,
Make sure she's all right.
That roof fallin' on her
Could-a hurt just a might."
But Maw was OK,
And the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer;
It looked good as new.
And as for Bubba,
He liked Old St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba
Was a pure-in-tee hick!
Bubba had a nice Christmas,
And the boys did, too.
And the Taylors wish
A Merry Christmas to you!
************************************************** **
Santa's Corporate Newsletter
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed Congressmen this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
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Walkin' Round in Women's Underwear
(sung to the tune of Walking in a Winter Wonderland)
Lacy things - the wife is missin',
Didn't ask - her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes ,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' round in women's underwear.
In the store - there's a teddy,
Little straps - like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' round in women's underwear.
In the office there's a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He'll say, "Are you ready?" We'll say,"Whoa, Man!"
"Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"
Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress - like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin' round in women's underwear!
Lacy things ... Missin',
Didn't ask ... permission,
Wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' round in women's underwear,
Walkin' round in women's underwear,
Walkin' round in women's underwear!
__________________
I'm the reson they invented spell check.
"It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black." despair.com
Last edited by fatal xception; 12-20-2001 at 05:05 PM.
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