Well...it's almost over.

[Gouki]

I got a call a little earlier today from my Attorney and they have the signed divorce papers from my wife. <sigh>

I'm not sure how I'm feeling at this point...I guess the best way to describe it is that I feel like this is a tragedy. I know in my heart that I did the right thing by filing for divorce...but I still can't help but feel that this was all such a waste. So at some point tomorrow I'll stop by the Attorney's office and sign the papers...and that will be that. Tomorrow will be 2 Years 2 Months and 2 Days that we will have been married.

There was a lot of stuff that went on...and one particular thing that I just can't forgive. If you'd hear me talk to my friends...I can be pretty bitter towards her but I guess what's bothering me right now is the whole marriage idea. I stood before my peers and before God and said that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. And so did she...and it just didn't work out. Hell I still find myself thumbing my ringfinger once in a while...wishing that I was still wearing my wedding band.

As I read over what I've typed in so far...I'm thinking, "God dude! After all the crap she put you through you're still acting like this!??! You're free man...you're free!" And that's definitely true...I had everyone in the world telling me that she was cheating on me and that I should file for divorce but I still held on. When I finally did file, I had ppl tell me that they didn't know how I lasted so long without going crazy or postal...and all I could think was that it was because deep down...I still loved her. And that I still had hope.

Hope. Hmmmphhh. The Architect had it right.

Hope, it is the quintessential human delusion,
simultaneously the source of your greatest strength, and your greatest weakness.

If someone were to ask me how I knew it was time to get a divorce...I'd tell them that it was in the moment that I realized that all hope was lost. When I lost all hope in saving our marriage and our relationship...that's when I knew it was time to get a divorce.

At any rate...I'm definitely glad that this whole ordeal is almost over. It has been so rough on me...I know some of you guys have been there. And of course there's other problems that went on too...that just made life seem like it wasn't even worth it.

Ok I think I'm done with this short novel of a post...and I'm not quite sure why I'm even posting this to be honest. I guess it's just one of those things where you feel like you need to get something off your chest and I know you guys are great listeners.

Thanks for listening...I appreciate it.

[wju425]

I understand your mixed feelings. You needed to get it off your chest or you'll go crazy. I think you made a good decision. It's hell alright.

\o/ Billy

[Droppyale]

A few years from now you'll be glad this was over, you will probably have a beautiful wife that really loves you.

[Gouki]

it's hell alright

You can say that again.

Someone else that's really been hit hard by this is my mother...I was the first one of the kids to get married and she just fell completely in love with my wife. To this day I still think the worst day of my life was when my wife and I went to mom-n-dads to tell them that we were going to get a divorce. To see how much it hurt her to hear that news...I think it's the worst I've ever felt.

I will give my wife credit for this though...and I deeply appreciate it...she went with me to tell them the news. She could have easily copped out but she knew that it was the right thing to do. When we were getting ready to leave she sat down next to my mom and immediately started crying...gave mom a hug and told her that she was sorry. <chokes back a tear>

Anyways...I was talking with mom the other night...errrr...last night as a matter of fact and she said something to the effect, "I know how much this has hurt me...and how much it still hurts but I can't begin to imagine how much this has hurt you" "Some days are better then others", I said..."you just gotta keep moving and try to get through it as best you can...and know that in the end you'll be a stronger person because of it."

That's a paraphrase of the line "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" That line has helped me get through though...that and the belief that God wouldn't allow this to happen if he knew I couldn't handle it. It's a test. God knows I can get through this...and so do I. It's done one step at a time.

[Droppyale]

If you do bad, bad will do you.

I'm sure she regrets haveing done what she did.

It's something she'll carry for the rest of her life, that she destroyed a marriage.

You on the other hand, learned from this, it makes you a better person, and down the line, your conciense won't bother you.

"look on the bright side"

A line from the movie "The Pianist"

Great inspirational movie.

Believe me, it could be worse.

[Tomteriffic]

I've been through one divorce I didn't want, and another one that I did, and either way, I wouldn't wish it on anybody, but it was just necessary. It could have been me writing that stuff.

It hurts, godDAMN it it hurts! But here's a view from a few years on down the road: On the third try, I'm insanely happily married to a wonderful, wonderful woman, and we'd never have found each other without all of the other previous adventures in our lives.

Hang in. The shell-shock will wear off, and then the REAL emotional roller-coaster will set in, but after a while, it subsides and you get on with your life.

All da best from a fellow Missourian.

[Toddly]

Going through the same thing right now. It sucks big time. I wish I could do a lot of things over again. People say things work out for the best over time but I haven't felt it yet. I still have some hope. I hope you find inner peace Gouki.

[Theophylact]

I could tell the same tale as Tomteriffic almost verbatim, with the same end result. But it hurts while it's going on, and getting over it is like giving up smoking: it's painful, you keep wanting to go back, but it really is best for you -- and you will get over it.

Good luck, and hang in there.

[Sweet]

Take care of yourself.......

[Bushmaster]

Been through it bro. But I can tell you with assurity that the only thing that happens when you go back to a relationship that didn't work the first time is the same stuff all over again. Only the next time it happens alot quicker. Let it go and go on with your life. Failed relationships are learning experiences that teach us what not to do in the next one. And give us a better grasp on the kind of person we do want in our lives for the next time.

Simple old addage of "what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger" applies to this situation.

If you must look back do so in wisdom and not with regret.