A Note From Santa

[SPEEDO]

WELL NOW TILL CHRISTMAS BRACE YOURSELF FOR THE CHRISTMAS
NOTES.......SPEEDO

Note From Santa
I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able
to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming
population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American
Fairies and Elves Local #209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio,
Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better
contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in
mind. However, I am certain that your children will be in good hands with your
local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Guido Claus.
His side of the family is from away.
He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls.
However, there are a few differences between us such as:

1. There is no danger of The Grinch stealing your presents from Guido Claus.
He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys
insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Guido Claus prefers that children leave an
RC cola and Meatballs [or a moon pie] on the fireplace and Guido doesn't smoke
a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an
empty spit can handy.

3. Guido Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead
of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one
time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Guido's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when Guido
Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin
and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Move It!" And you also are likely to
hear Guido's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Guido Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off". The last
I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh as well. One is a Ford
logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature
of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and
"It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area.
Instead, you'll see "Boss Hog Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit
IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Guido Claus and dozens of state police cars
crashing into each other.

8. Guido Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure the wife
and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the
tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph
The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town."
This year songs about Guido Claus will be played on all the AM radio
stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Guido Claus Shot
the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six
Pack", and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You don't Like Guido Claus, Shove It."

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus,
(Member) North American Fairies and Elves Local #209

[Atomic Rooster]

You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when Guido Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."