What would you do?

[korgul]

Ok, help me out here. If I am off base smack me back in the right direction.

A couple of weeks ago my 13yr old had a run in with a girl at school.( not boyfriend girfriend thing, I think they despise each oher) She took his lock from and would not give it back. She had it for a couple of days until he finally got it back. In the mean time he had to leave his locker unlocked. If something would have gotten stolen he would have been responsible for it. He told his teacher about the incident and she did nothing. About 3 days after getting his lock back she hits him in the face with a Yo-Yo hard enough to leave a mark and a black and blue spot for a couple of days. Again he says something about it, this time to the office. Their response was well since it did not happen on school property they can do nothing. Now I live close enough to the school so that he can walk home on nice days. This is what he was doing at the time. He was right out side the school (50ft) on the sidewalk.
The following week he forgot a paper for a class and he gets written up for it. I wrote on the bottom of the paper " a little harsh don't ya think". Well his teacher send me an E-mail about this and it starts a whole discussion on the above mentioned incidents. At first she denied that Jeffrey told her anything about incident #1, when I confronted her with what Jeffrey said she changed her story. She then went on to say about how she gave Jeffrey cupcakes one day because he was hungry. (still trying to figure out where this fits in, but found it amusing). After about 5 or 6 E-mails we were no closer to getting the situation resolved. The whole time that the E-mails were going back and forth she kept saying that she was including the principle. I figured great maybe the situation would get dealt with. In her last E-mail to me she says

I feel like your e-mails have a negative tone. I was also concerned about some comments Jeff has made to me regarding your "anger" and "flipping out on someone." I have talked with Dr. Snell about my concerns, and he recommended a conference, either in person, or via phone. This is the best way to resolve your concerns. Therefore, I am discontinuing all e-mails.

Now I work an hours drive away so by the time I get home they are gone and they are not there when I leave in the morning so it is very hard for me to get there. Well I found Dr. Snells E-mail and fired one off to him including the ones with his teacher. That was sunday. I have heard nothing back from, so I resent it today and also sent an E-mail to the school superintendent asking when the next schoolboard meeting is.

As an aside - Last year we had to take Jeffrey to the hospital because he had his arm twisted around his back to the point where he could barely move it 2 days later. The student that had done this did not get in trouble but Jeffrey did for pushing the kid to the ground after he let go of his arm.

sorry for the long winded post but I wanted to give the facts so you guys and gals could le me know if I am off base here.

Thanks
korgul

[NeoStarO1]

I dont' think you are off base. I would file a grieviece complain or whatever you call them to the School Distict. you know where you can file complaints against students/teachers/staff members and request a hearing to have dispute settled. its clear that many parts of the story is missing and it needs to be dealt with by the school district board people the ones that handle the hearings.

Tough situation, korgul. My dau's b/f recently got expelled from their school because he wouldn't apologise for his behaviour to a teacher, but there was a long running story behind it of him being "picked on" by the staff, due to older siblings past behaviours. We had numerous conversations with teachers, principal, and the chairman of the school board (the incident involved our dau as well), none of which resolved anything. He nows goes to another school, and is doing well.

I think from what you wrote you are on the right track. Keep it civil, though, and avoid blaming or anger in any written correspondence, especially emails. You can be sued for slander/defamation remember.

Sound like your son has been a victim for a while. Maybe the school has a counselling service for things like that? Just to help him identify any issues he may have about harrassment and how to deal with it.

Hope the school will be willing to discuss the issues openly.

Cheers
Mick

[Knothead]

I'm not surprised that you are confused. To me, a lot of this sounds like the school admin is just playing CYA...which is crazy-making!

Watch it, though: I also see the business about this "Dr. Snell" to be a thinly veiled threat, in that these school "Head Doktor"guys can hook your local Dept. of Children's Services into the situation....believe me, THESE guys can make your life real interesting.

Mickwish made a crucial point:

Keep it civil, though, and avoid blaming or anger in any written correspondence, especially emails.

This is absolutely Number One advice! WhatEVER you do, keep it light and polite!

In this situation, the thing that will carry the day is PERSISTANCE.

[xenon200]

Their response was well since it did not happen on school property they can do nothing.

When I went to elementary school, the school was involved in incidents that happen before and after school, as well as during the weekends. Now that I'm in high school, things have lightened up - but if I do something really stupid over the weekend, the school will more than likely be involved.

My advice?

KEEP YOUR COOL, for starters. Not doing so could, and will be your biggest determent, here.

Put on your best suit and bring both your son, and your wife (if there is a wife/mother) to school. They don't necessarily have to have a zero tolerance policy against assault/abuse against their students, but make it MORE than clear that you, however, DO. It will have to be YOUR way or NO way, and let them know what you would like to see happen here. If they aren't willing to provide a caring environment for your son that is conducive to learning, then you'll engage multiple means of action. Whether it be filing a complaint against the teacher and/or the principal and/or the school and/or the student. Taking legal action, etc. Don't pick and choose. If they aren't willing to meet up to all of your demands, engage all of your options!

Meet with them when it's most convenient for you. If they don't show up, are continually not available for - or cancel/postpone meetings, take that as their side not being willing to co-operate, and engage the options you have.

It might also be best to inform them that you'd also like to meet in person with this other child's parents, as well.

Do that, while always keeping your cool and maintaining a very professional - yet firm - tone, and you'll be sure to get the results you're hoping for. The key phrase here is ZERO TOLERANCE.

I may sound a little passionate on the issue - but these schools and school boards annoy the HELL out of me. The course of action on your part may sound a little harsh, but there's absolutely no excuse for your son not being able to get a normal education in an environment that he is comfortable in!!

~x2

[Toadman]

I dont' think you are off base. I would file a grieviece complain or whatever you call them to the School Distict.

Last resort, IMHO. Work with the Principal if u can. It can likely be ironed out without going to the district, which can be the Kiss of Death to a tenured teacher, who will likely "Hail Mary" on you with nothing left to lose.

As an aside have you thought about getting Jeff into Martial Arts for some confidence? Not to be used unless a dire emergency but nice to know the skills are available. Sounds like he may be a perceived push-over and word got around campus. Hopefully not the case Korg, especailly with predatory guys around but if so time to nip it in the bud.

[korgul]

I also see the business about this "Dr. Snell" to be a thinly veiled threat

That is the way I saw it also Knot.

The thing is the "flipping out" and "anger" were when I was drinking and before I started anti depressants. Since no alcohol and meds I have been very calm about things, ask the wife, it drives her crazy.

I am trying to keep it civil and so far I think that I have. It just really irks me that they pull these stunts. They can bring the children and youth people in . I do nothing wrong with my kids about the only punishment they ever get is grounded for a day. The Dr. Snell that she is referring to is one of the principles of the school.

[Sweet]

Oh boy, I see where this is heading.... the teacher may be setting you up. Watch your back. You are being portrayed as an angry, incompetent, not feeding their children kinda father. Oh, this makes me mad. The most important thing to do is to first keep your cool. Second, document, document, document.
I can see the school bringing in a counselor to "check this problem" out and cause you grief by unfounded accusations from the teacher....

.... maybe....Call Dr. Snell and see if he can be of any help. Focus conversation on the 2 incidents and nothing else.

I know this may not be too good advice, and I hesitated about saying all this. Think things out carefully and figure out what you are trying to get out of this. The teacher may think she is being 'attacked' and therefore taking her current route....

It may not hurt to apoligize for her taking your comments angrily, as they were not intended....

School is almost out, don't let this get smeared out of proportion. The simple fact seems to be that your child is being bullied and you need to find out what the school policy is. I'd be calling the girl's parents in a heartbeat. She needs to apoligize for the locker and for hitting. May be best to leave the school out of it entirely.

What I would hate to see is this cascading into a big hoopola, and your son getting the short end of the stick....

if the situation were reversed I'm sure your son would be in big trouble for hitting a girl. Did you get any pics?

I'm really not sure what else to say... Use your own good judgement and focus on what you want to achieve.....

Luck to you, hugs to the 13 yr old.....

hope I didn't say too much here, this is sorta the feeling I get about what you wrote.

[Mike]

Most schools I have been to if a student did something silly on the way to or from school it was their responsibility along with the school's.
I would just follow the advice already stated and file a grievance with the administration. If you go high enough up people will start listening.
NO SCHOOL wants bad press.

[Toadman]

NO SCHOOL wants bad press.

Agreed. :|