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Old 11-06-2002, 10:14 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Another funny...

Probable a urban legend, but funny non the less...

Dam legal problem
This one is a genuine hoot. It was an actual
letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan
Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.

Wait till you read this guy's response.... but read
the State letter before you get to the response....

**************************************************
*************
To:

Mr. Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget,
Pierson, MI 49339


Michigan Department of Environmental Quality,
State of Michigan.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023;
T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of
Environmental Quality that there has been recent
unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel
of property. You have been certified as the legal
landowner and/or contractor who did the following
unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris
dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this
type of activity. A review of the Department's files
shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore,
the Department has determined that this activity is
in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams,
of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection
Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being
sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan
Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both
of the dams partially failed during a recent rain
event, causing debris and flooding at downstream
locations. We find that dams of this nature are
inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The
Department therefore orders you to cease and desist
all activities at this location, and to restore the
stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood
and brush forming the dams from the stream channel.
All restoration work shall be completed no later
than January 31 2002.

Please notify this office when the restoration has
been completed so that a follow-up site inspection
may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply
with this request or any further unauthorized
activity on the site may result in this case being
referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full
cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at
this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division


*******************

This is the response sent back........


Dear Mr. Price,
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023;
T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/01 has been
handed to me to respond to.

First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal
Landowner and/or Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson,
Michigan. I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the
process (State unauthorized) of constructing and maintaining two wood
"debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise
their dam project, I think they would be highly offended
that you call their skillful use of nature's building materials
"debris."

I would like to challenge your department to
attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or
any place you choose. I believe I can safely state
there is no way you could ever match their dam skills,
their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity,
their dam persistence, their dam determination
and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are
aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior
to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you
trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2)
do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to
said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers,
through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed
copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that
have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam
violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural
Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451
of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101
to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is -
aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation?
The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute
and are unable to pay for said representation - so
the State will have to provide them with a dam
lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one
or both of the dams failed during a recent rain
event causing flooding is proof that this is a
natural occurrence, which the Department is required
to protect.

In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond
Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their
dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam
free-flow condition please contact the beavers - but
if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did
not pay any attention to your dam letter they being
unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have
a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the
sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream.
They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring
Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental
Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural
resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams.).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned,
this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement
action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2002? The
Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then
and there will be no way for you or your dam staff
to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your
attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the
area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I
definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and
leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam,
watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and
being unable to contact you on your dam answering
machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Sincerely,
Stephen L.Tvedten

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Old 11-06-2002, 10:21 PM   #2 (permalink)
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roflmao, that's a first, HAHAHA

what are they going to do? Send the Beavers to the damn court?

hahaha
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Old 11-06-2002, 10:34 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I saw this a few years ago and heard that it's true from several sources, but don't know how to verify. Happened back in '97 if I remember right.

Given how the michigan DNR/DEQ is run, I wouldn't doubt it if this did happen!
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Old 11-06-2002, 10:35 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Cheers

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Hug your kids, you never know:D
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Old 11-07-2002, 02:24 AM   #5 (permalink)
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And it is true, too: http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/dammed.htm

Ruler2112: www.snopes.com is a great place to check out any urban legends.
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