My $%#$ girlfriend lied to me...help!

[Martoch]

Ok people, I'm very frustrated at the moment so don't mind me if I don't make much sense...

Here's the situation:

My current girlfriend of almost 2 years that lives with me just lied straight to my face--AGAIN! This time I had to say something.
She's been lying about her smoking habit, which really disturbs me because I have a history of that happening to me with my ex-wife.

Let's go back in time...

I'm at a wedding reception with my (now ex) wife and I see her smoking outside...she supposedly quit over a year ago. I approach her on it and she lies to me, says it wasn't her. I get a little more intense about it, so does she...etc, etc....
She then gets a HUGE smile on her face and says, "you know what, I've been smoking for a year now and you're the only one who didn't know. HAHA!! (laughing in my face)".

Back to present...
I tell the ex-wife smoking story to my girlfriend early in our relationship so she knows exactly where I stand on smoking and even worse lying about it. Well there's been 4 or 5 instances where I see her smoking and ask her about it only to have her deny it repeatedly to my face.

Tonight was the last time I let her get away with it. I'm upstairs giving my son a bath and she yells up like she so often does..."honey, I'm going to check the mail".
This time I watch out the window because on many occasions on her past "mail runs" a smokey smell would be lingering in our downstairs hallway. I wanted to see why. I peek out of our bedroom window and she's puffing away next to the garage. So I go downstairs into the kitchen (right by the front door) and wait until she walks in.

Me: "Hi honey"
Her: "Hi" (strong smokey smell of course)
Me: "Were you smoking?!"
Her: (smiling) "No"
Me: "It really really smells like you were"
Her: "You know I wouldn't lie to you about that"
Me: "Breathe on me"
Her: "Why?"
Me: "Just do it"
Her: "Why?"
Me: (pissed off, but remaining cool) "Please do it"
Her: (She breathes--YUCK!)
Me: "I knew it, you were smoking" (I walk away)
Her: "I was not"

I get my son ready for bed, brush his teeth, put him in bed, and go back downstairs.

Her: "What's wrong?"
Me: "You lied to me and you know how I feel about that. It's bad enough that you're still smoking, but to lie about it???!!!"

Her: "Well I know how you feel about smoking, so I have to lie"
Me: "Remember how my ex-wife lied to me and how I said that if you're going to smoke, be honest with me about it"

Her: "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have lied"
Me: "You've BEEN lying! This is the 5th time that I've caught you smoking. If you're willing to smoke right outside the house while I'm home, you certainly have been smoking when I'm not around."

Her: "This is not the 5th time"
Me: "Oh yeah...what about (I name the instances where I saw her).
Her: "I'm sorry"
Me: (I put my head down and walk away shaking...I can't believe what just happened)
Her: "I love you" (GRRRRR...don't say that crap to me right now!)
Me: "I don't want to talk to you right now"
Her: "I understand how you feel" (she goes upstairs, where she is now)

You have to understand people, this is a BIG deal to me because of what happened with my ex-wife and I. My girlfriend promised me that 1)she quit smoking and 2) she would always tell me the truth about it if I asked her.

What should I do??? I'm pissed, semi-hearbroken, frustrated, angry, etc...bunch of mixed feelings.
What do I say?
It's that whole "You've been lying to me about this, how can I trust you now?" syndrome.

*sigh*

HELP ME!!!

One more thing to add...
I've told her time & time again that I don't want to be with a smoker and she tells me that since she only smokes "once in a while", she's not really a smoker. BS!!!!

I only kill every so often, so I'm not really a murderer.
What a bunch of #(*%#

Sometimes you can't control what other people do, and have to weigh if the things they do that you think are bad out weigh the things that you think they do are good.

Or maybe this is her way of pushing the relationship to closure..
Maybe not, but it seems like it could be a power struggle going on, and you've not been happy for a while have you?

[Martoch]

Honestly, the fact that she's been lying to me about it is so much worse than the fact that she does it. Especially because she knows how badly I took it when my ex-wife lied to me about it.

Did she quit for you? When you guys met? Or has she always denied it?

Mike:

First, get hold of yourself. Not saying what she did is right. Just stand back and look at it from 50,000 feet.

The bigger picture.

Is this the onlything she lied about?

In any relationship, you gotta give and take. Nevr take a rigid, inflexible stand.

On anything.

Always leave room to retract and communicate.

Backdoor open so to speak.

Tomorrow morning, discuss it again with her and try and sort out things.

There are many bigger issues in life to deal with.

I do empathsize with you.

But you cannot ever be too rigid on anything.

That's my 2c worth.

[Martoch]

Originally posted by surreal
Did she quit for you? When you guys met? Or has she always denied it?

When we first met I knew she smoked, but it didn't bother me because I had no idea what our future would be like...well as we decided to have a relationship I told her that I did not want to have a long-term relationship with somebody who smoked because after all, that's a choice of mine. She said that she would try her best to quit and would always tell me the truth about it.

Well she did tell me the truth for a while, until a few months ago when I started seeing her smoking in various places, then deny it when I asked her.
She had told me about 5 months ago that she quit for good.

3 weeks ago we almost called it quits because neither of us were very happy...but we decided to make some changes and stick it out.

Then this???

C'mon...

I just can't believe I'm going through this smoking lie all over again! It's so damn frustrating!!!

[TheBurningCat]

Martoch, I know how you feel about smoking, I refuse to date girls who smoke, Very harsh i know but it makes me sick...

Doesn't she know what she is doing to her body?! and yours and Your sons?!?!

If not tell her show her. In australia we have shock campaigns. EG: movie of a real human lung, They cut it open and pour all the tar that would build up over a year if you smoked a pack a day.


Not sure what else i can say is that i would be off my nut.... As i'm sure you are now so i guess i'm trying to say that i understand you.

Yeah, but how do you think she feels? Can you imagine the guilt?
And she really couldn't even talk to you about it, and get any understanding or compassion from you could she?

[Martoch]

I know she feels guilty and she should.

2 FACTS that she knows about me:

1) I don't want to be with a smoker.
2) I don't want to be with a liar.

Compassion? Are you serious? If this was the first time maybe, but this is el numero 5.
She should have shown me compassion the first time she lied to me about it...

[Xeroid]

Hi Mike!

I'll let you in on a secret. I smoke. Stopping smoking is probably the hardest thing you'll ever do in your life. I read somewhere that addiction to tobacco is stronger that addiction to heroin.

I've tried to quit, believe me. Pressure is what usually tripps me up. A bad day at work is usually the culprit for me.

If you want your girlfiend to quit then help her, don't put more pressure on her. I know she should not have lied to you, but I bet she is truly sorry and more than a little ashamed.

Try to get her in a program or something. Listen to me, I should follow my own advise. One thing I can guarentee is that putting more pressure on her about it will only make it harder for her. Help her quit. Encourage her.

Mike