A Muslim goes to Heaven....

[caddmannq]

(OK, here's my shot at offending all the Muslim members... )

A Muslim was killed in a car accident. Through some mixup in the paperwork, he arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter says "I'm St. Peter. Welcome to Heaven".

The Muslim says "Nice to meet you Peter but there must be some mistake. I'm a Muslim and I want to meet Mohammed."

St. Peter says "Sure no problem. Climb up that ladder behind you and you will meet Mohammed"

The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top and there is Moses. Moses says "Hi I'm Moses. Welcome to Heaven".

The Muslim is very excited - "Moses, its such an honor to meet you. But like I told St. Peter, I'm a Muslim and I really want to meet Mohammed".

Moses says "No problem. Climb up the ladder behind you and you will meet Mohammed.

The Muslim climbs up the ladder, gets to the top, he can't see anything but bright light. He sees this figure before him and asks "Who are you?"

The figure responds - "I am God. Nice to meet you. Welcome to Heaven". God walks over and shakes his hand.

The Muslim is stunned - he can hardly speak. He says to God "Sir, it is such an honor to meet you - I can't believe it - this place is great. But I'm a Muslim and, no disrespect intended, but I really want to meet Mohammed."

God says "Ohh.. You're here to see Mohammed. I see. No problem. Have a seat. Get comfortable. Can I get you some coffee or something to eat?"

The Muslim says "I would love a cup of coffee"

God yells into the kitchen.. "Hey Mohammed. 2 coffees!!!"

[Knothead]

Heh, heh...but I can beat that...here's a joke which offends in a much more expeditious way...

The owner of a Jewish Delicatessen has a sign in the window that reads, "NO ARABS". One day, an Arab guy walks in and orders ten sandwiches from the waiter, who goes straight to the boss and tells him about it.

"No problem" he says, "But charge him $20 for each sandwich!"

The sandwiches are prepared, and handed to the customer with a $200 check, which the Arab pays, and then leaves with his food.

Next day, the scene is repeated, and the waiter again tells his boss. "Fine," says the owner, "But this time, charge him FIFTY dollars each!"

The sandwiches are prepared, and handed to the customer with a $500 check, which the Arab pays, and then leaves with his food.

The owner, who had been watching this incredible transaction, then walks over to the window with the "NO ARABS" sign and rips it out of the window...

...and promptly replaces it with a sign that says "NO JEWS"!

My latest about the two Arabs and the Texan in an airplane can't be put here. Or can it, Cadd?

[caddmannq]

Oh, yeah...go on!

[Theophylact]

Boy, you guys're cruisin' for a bruisin', ain'cha?

[caddmannq]

Bring it on!

Lemme see my memory (Cadd this may be worded slightly differently):

This Texan is sitting in the middle seat on a long NYC to LA flight. Either side of him are 2 Arab dudes. So they are all relaxed and removed their shoes and put up their feet.

After an hour, the Texan needs to use the mens room so he excuses himself. One of the Arabs spits inside his left shoe and smiles/nudges the second Arab. The Texan returns, sits, slips on his shoe and feels the gook inside and immediately realizes what happened. But says nothing.

Hour later, he needs to go again (from too much beer) and again the second Arab spits inside the other shoe. (You may wonder why the Texan removes shoes while going to the Restroom. Can't answer that. This is just a joke. So look for the punch line and don't get bent by small details.)

On return, the Texan slips on his shoes and now feels the gook in both shoes. Says nothing. Keeps quiet.

Another hour passes and the Arabs are getting thirsty and restless. So the American says he's going to get a beer anyway so he'd be happy to get one for each Arab. So he goes and after 5 minutes returns with tall cold glasses of the golden brew. The Arabs drink thirstly and a while later the Texan gets them a refill.

When the flight lands, all three stand and start getting in a line towards the plane exit doors. At this time, the Texan, standing between the two Arabs mumbles to himself but loud enough for the Arab in the front and rear to hear:

"What is this world coming to? All this killing in Israel and Palestine, the suicide bombings, the terrorists, the spittin' in shoes, the pissin' in beers......"

[Knothead]

Originally posted by Theophylact
Boy, you guys're cruisin' for a bruisin', ain'cha?

YIKES! Theo's gonna bring out the Irish jokes....

I know some pretty good Irish ones - will post later from home.

[ThomasK]

I hope this doesn't end up offending anybody, like what happend a few months ago, but I love racial jokes (sorry.... ):
-------------------------
Q:What do you call a gay irish man?
A:An irishman who loves his wife more than his beer
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Having lost his donkey an Arab, got down to his
knees and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked,
"Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for ?"
The Arab replied:"I am thanking Him for seeing to it
that I wasn't riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too."
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A blonde woman was standing at the pop machine; she put in her money and pressed the Coke button and out came a can of Coke.
She looked at it and smiled. She took out a dollar, put it in the pop machine pressed the 7Up button and out came a can of 7Up. She looked at it and really started smiling. She put in the change from her dollar and pressed the Coke button again, out came another can of Coke. Then she was just beaming!

There was a man standing there watching her, and he finally went up to her and said, "What are you doing?" She looked at him and said, "Duh, I'm winning!"
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I've got loads more and I'm spending way too much time on these boards, which I shouldn't be doing right now coz I'm at work, so the rest will come when I get home tonight.