What would you have done ?

[MDS]

I have a friend that I haven't seen in about a year show up and OMG it's not good. She used to weigh about 120-130# and now less than 100# and she's 32 YO. and she looked like *deleted* so I asked what was going on with her and she tells me she is going to die. She continues to tell me it's pancreatic cancer and I almost dropped hearing it. She told me her kids(8 & 10 Yrs old) her Dad(her mom died 2yrs ago from cancer) and none of her family knows what is going on and she said she wasn't planning on telling them just basicly let them find out when she's on her death bed. I told her she needs to tell her kids and her dad as she is leaving the kids to her dad as their father is a dead beat no good loser. She got really upset with me saying this and it wasn't long after she left. I worry about her and her kids and I think the kids need to know so they can prepare for what's ahead of them. She is taking enough morphine to kill a horse right now as she as withering away and I feel so sad. I tried to call her tonight and she said she just doen't want to talk to me about it and ask me not to tell anyone. I know her dad and no I'm not telling as I feel she needs to be the one to tell him, but I know he has to be wondering about her health as she visited this morning before coming over. She lives about an hour from here and seldom comes to town. So I guess my question is do you think I was wronge in telling her she needs to tell her kids & dad ? The last thing I wanted to do is upset her as we have been friends since grade school. I feel bad for what I have done and she doesn't even seem to want to talk to me now.

[kenyg]

No, I think you were right. It was something that she didn't want to hear - but I agree.

If I knew I didn't have much longer in this world - I would want my kids to know. I want to make whatever arrangements I could to provide for them.


Ken

Tough one, MDS.

I personally don't think you were wrong in getting her to confront the reality of the path she has set herself on. But that doesn't mean she's gonna like you doing that.

And a true friend would not be able to stop themselves from approaching her on this, IMO. But I would not push this much harder with her now, as she has made her position very clear to you. Just let her know you will support her as much as you can and as much as she wants. Also be clear at where you will draw the line (like not becoming a go-between between her family and her).

Life isn't always cut and dried.

I'll add you and your friend to my prayer list if I may, MDS.

Cheers
Mick

[MDS]

I think I'll give her a couple of days and give her a call to see how she's doing. I'm done asking her to tell her family as I think she knows how I feel and I don't want her upset with me with all she's going through.

By not telling her children and father she is stealing precious time from them. That's so sad....

[MDdan]

MDS, I think you were absolutely correct in telling her to talk to her family.


Just a thought...why did she tell you? Probably because this is a terrible burdon and she needs to talk about it. She also needs to share this burdon with her family, she should not be bearing it alone.

I think she's wrong for not telling them, she's trying to shield them from the pain. But she can't do that, her actions are only going to make it worse.

Maybe a compromise would be to talk to her dad and say "There is something she needs to tell you, and she's afraid to do it. Please talk to her and don't take no for an answer" Or maybe tell her "I think you're making a terrible mistake in not telling your family, I can't go along with this for very long. Please tell them in the next week." You also have some obligation to her family. I do not think she has the right to hide this from them, this doesn't just affect her.

Perhaps you may anger her, perhaps she might never talk to you again. But maybe her family would be better off if you didn't let this go.

I hope I haven't sounded too harsh in my response to her situation, but I've known folks who treat their loved ones very unfairly because they've tried to shield them from pain. It only adds to the pain.

No easy answers on this one, but if I may I'll be praying for you, her and her family

Keep us posted.

dan

[Brainchild]

MDS, man that is bad, but I feel she should tell the kids also. Seems that most of the time, that is just another step of denial, if you don't say it it won't happen Unfortunatly that's not true. But sad as it is, you can't change some peoples mind.

Good luck buddy on a hard decision

[MDS]

I talked to her dad today and told him she was sick and he should check up on her. He told me she didn't look right when she was here and wanted to know what was a matter. I told him that she needs to be the one to tell him what is going on, so he said he was going to see her tomarrow. I feel sorry for this man as he has lost his wife already and now is losing his only child. I could tell by the ?'s he was asking that he has an idea what is going on.

[jman01pa]

I have no doubt that you did the right thing talking to her dad MDS. Her and her family has a great friend.

I can not imagine the emotional pain she is feeling right now. Dont give up on her and encourage her family to support her once they find out. This is not a time for anyone involved to be alone.

[MDS]

Well things are getting alittle better now, She called me last night and ask if me and my wife could come up today as her dad was coming up. I talked with her for about 3 hrs. and today she told her dad and he is staying until Monday and is going to help her tell the kids. I feel better about what I did now and she also thanked me for opening her eyes. I can't explain how it feels being next to someone who you and they know won't be around much longer.