TGIF Joke Thread

[infos]

Four Secrets to Happy Relationships
================================

1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans

2. It is important to find a woman who makes good money

3. It is important to find a woman who likes to have sex

4. It is important that these three women never meet.



Prim and Proper. . .

There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas.
Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem
it took a long time for her to seek help.

Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.
After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem."
"A gas problem?" replied the doctor.

"Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh...silent gas emissions.

Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had (blush) four silent gas emissions.

Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions!
Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"

"Well," said the doctor, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test!"


A Dr. at the Pearly Gates. . .

A doctor dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates and checks him in.
After he's registered, St. Peter says to him, "Look at the time: you must be hungry!
Heaven Cafeteria is serving lunch, why don't you get yourself something to eat?"

The doctor goes to the cafeteria and notices the long line. He immediately cuts in at the front,
only to hear loud protests. "I'm a doctor" he says, "I'm a busy man, I don't have time to wait in line."

The others say, "You're in heaven now, we're all the same here, get to the back of the line and wait your turn!"

A few weeks later, waiting patiently on line for lunch, the doctor notices a man come dashing in wearing scrubs and a lab coat, stethoscope around his neck. He butts in at the head of the line
and no one utters a peep. "Hey," he says to the guy in front of him, "Who does that guy think he is?"

"Oh, that's God," says the guy, "He likes to play doctor!"





You know you're drinking too much coffee when...

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.
Cocaine is a downer.
All your kids are named "Joe".
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
You don't tan, you roast.
You help your dog chase its tail.
_____________________________________________






The Patient

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said,
"I can't find a cause for your complaint.
Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober!"



*edit* Adult oriented jokes removed.
Please keep in mind that the forums are read by a very diverse group of people, some of which are likely young. - Fingers

Last edited by Fingers on 08-09-2002 at 5:43 AM

[Martoch]

Thanks infos, if you read my "prayers needed" thread you'll know how much I appreciate a good laugh right now...

[Brainchild]

If you find TGIF on a blondes shoes it stands for Toes Go In First
BMW =Big Money Waster.

Man dies and get to heaven and Peter says sir to enter you must be able to spell The Word.
OK what's the word, the man asks?
Love, replies Peter
L O V E, the man says, and St. Peter opens the gate and lets him in.
Shortly after getting inside, the Lord calls ST. Peter to come up and take care of some buisness.
I have to leave now, Peter tells the man, if someone knocks before I get back, just ask them The Question, and if they answer correctly let them in.
the man agrees. A short time later he hears a knock on the Gate. Looking out he can see it's his wife. She can see him also, and says Honey, now that I'm with you we can spend all our eternity together, it'll be just like it was on earth, only now forever.
The man remembering what St. Peter had instructed replied, yes my dear, but first you have to spell Czechoslovakia.

[sharder8]

What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey ?



Most of the time you get an onion with big ears.


But once in a while, just once in a while, you get a nice a** that brings tears to your eyes.

[sven222]

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

Hope I can post this. It's only letters, after all...

A lady is walking in to work and on her way into the building she turns to a man and says, "T G I F!" and the man turns to her and replies, "S-H-I-T!" So the woman looks at him but says nothing and keeps walking to the elevator, which the man is also taking. Before she gets off the elveator, she tries again, "T-G-I-F!" and the man replies, "S-H-I-T!" So now the lady is starting to get mad but again says nothing. All day long she can' think of anything but this man's response. Finally at the end of the day, as she's walking out of the building, she sees the same man and decides to give it one more try, "T-G-I-F!" and again the man replies, "S-H-I-T!" So now she's really mad and asks him, "Excuse me sir, but do you know what T-G-I-F means?" The man replies "Yes I do, Thank God It's Friday. Do you know what S-H-I-T means?" The lady Shakes her head and says "No, I don't." The man then says "Sorry Honey It's Thursday!"

Cheers
Mick (who may be banned for that one! )

[Brainchild]

lady goes to the doctor, pointing at several places on her body remarks it hurts here, here ,here,here,here,and here. After a full examination thew DR. says lady you have a broken finger.

[infos]

Brainchild:
You left out the fact the lady was a blonde