Just because I was bored...

[caddmannq]

...I posted these old jokes....

...If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

...Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

...What do you do when you have an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

...Is it possible to be totally partial?

...What's another word for thesaurus?

...If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

...Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?

...Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

...Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

...If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

...If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

...If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

...When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

...Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

...If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

...Why is the word abbreviation so long?

...When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

??????????????????????????????????????

[OuTpaTienT]

...What if, there were no hypothetical situations?

...You can't have everything, where would you put it?

...The downside of being better than everyone else is that people tend to assume you're pretentious.

...I like KitKats, unless I'm with 4 or more people.

...I have an insurance policy with less coverage than an Allen Keys press conference.

[Knothead]

I'll bet you drove your parents stark, staring buggoes when you were a kid!

[vass0922]

What is the speed of dark?
When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
What's another word for synonym?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor and planes don't have a row 13, but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment.. but when you transport something by ship its called cargo?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Where are Preparations A through G?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot...
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
What a nice night for an evening.
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
I live on a one-way dead-end street.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained.
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/min.

[vass0922]

1. The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used

2. The hyoid bone, in your throat, is the only bone in the body not attached to another bone

3. "Hang On Sloopy" is the official rock song of Ohio

4. Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds

5. No word in the english language rhymes with the words 'month' or 'orange'

6. In Disney's "Fantasia", the sorceror's name is "Yensid" (Disney spelled backwards)

7. Anne Boleyn has six fingernails on one hand

8. The Les Nessman character on the TV series WKRP in Cincinatti wore a bandaid in every episode. Either on himself, his glasses, or his clothing

9. There are almost twice as many people in Rhode Island that there are in Alaska

10. Did you know there were coffee flavored PEZ?

11. Alexander Hamilton was shot by Aaron Burr in the groin

12. Michigan was the first state to have roadside picnic tables

13. The sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows"

14. Coca-Cola contains neither coca or cola

15. A donkey will sink in quicksand but a mule won't

16. Crickets hear through their knees

17. Slinkys were invented by an airplane mechanic; he was playing with engine parts and realized the possible secondary use of one of the springs

18. Don MacLean's song "American Pie" was written about Buddy Holly, The Big Bopper, and Ritchie Valens. All three were on the same plane that crashed

19. Napoleon constructed his battle plans in a sandbox

20. 'Strengths' is the longest word in the english language with just one vowel

21. "Video Killed the Radio Star" was the first video aired on MTV

22. Benito Mussolini would ward off the evil eye by touching his testicles

23. Both Hitler and Napoleon were missing one testicle

24. Stalin was only five feet, four inches tall

25. Stalin's left foot had webbed toes, and his left arm is noticeably shorter than his right

26. Scientists found a whole new phylum of animal on a lobster's lip

27. The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's baby daughter, Ruth

28. During WWII, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs

29. Polar bear's fur is not white, it's clear

30. If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but more like 4950. The Heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom

31. The little bags of netting for gas lanterns(called 'mantles') are radioactive--so much so that they will set off an alarm at a nuclear reactor

32. The longest word in the english language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is 'pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis'. The only other word with the same amount of letters is 'pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses', its plural

33. The longest place-name in use is Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapiki maungahoronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu, a New Zealand hill.

34. Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size "L.A"

35. There is a word in the English language with only one vowel, which occurs five times: Indivisibility

36. The dome on Monticello, Thomas Jefferson's home, conceals a billiards room. In Jefferson's day, billiards were illegal in Virginia

37. In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10

38. The second largest word in the English language is "antidisestablishmenterianism"

39. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during WWII killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo

40. Betsy Ross's other contribution to the American Revolution, besides sewing the first American Flag, was running a munitions factory in her basement

41. The only real person to be a PEZ head was Betsy Ross

42. Steely Dan got their name from a sexual device depicted in the book "The Naked Lunch"

43. Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble's Maiden name was Betty Jean McBricker

44. Lenny Kravitz's mother played the part of "Helen" on "The Jefferson's"

45. The Ramses brand condom is named after the great phaoroh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children

46. You would have to count to one-thousand to use the letter "A" in the English language to spell a whole number

47. The only member of the band ZZ Top to not have a beard has the last name Beard

48. John Larroquette of "Night Court" and "The John Larroquette Show" was the narrator of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre"

49. Alexander The Great was an epileptic

50. Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was used only once, on the never aired pilot show. His first name was Willy.

51. The Skipper's real name on Gilligans's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's newscast about the wreck

52. Lynyrd Skynard was the name of the gym teacher of the boys who went on to form that band. He once told them, "You boys ain't never gonna amount to nothin' "

53. M&M's were developed so that soldiers could eat candy without getting their fingers sticky

54. Jethro Tull is not the name of the rock singer/flautist. Jethro Tull is the name of the band. The singer is Ian Anderson. The original Jethro Tull was an English Horticulturalist who invented the seed drill.

55. Goat's have rectangular pupils

56. The Andy Griffith Show was the first spin-off in TV history. It was a spin off of the Danny Thomas Show.

57. Walt Disney's autograph bears no resemblance to the famous disney logo

58. The longest one-syllable word in the English Language is "screeched"

59. Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants

60. The little lump of flesh just forward your ear canal, right next to your temple, is called a tragus

61. Since 1896, the beginning of the modern olympics, only Greece and Australia have participated in every Games

62. Artist Constantino Brumidi fell from the dome of the U.S. Capitol while painting a mural around the rim. He died about four months later.

63. Cathy Rigby is the only woman to pose nude for Sports Illustrated.

64. Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan

65. Will Clark of the Texas Rangers is a direct descendant of William Clark of Lewis and Clark

66. In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.

67. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.

68. 35% of people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

69. Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.

70. The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola and Budweiser,

in that order.

71. It's possible to lead a cow upstairs, but not downstairs.

72. Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.

73. Ten percent of the Russian's government's income comes from the sale of Vodka.

74. On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens a year.

75. Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, Calif.

76. Elephants can't jump - every other mammal can.

77. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

78. In every episode of Seinfeld, there is a Superman somewhere.

79. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

80. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

81. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of old when the

engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and

figured out how to walk up the straight staircases.

82. The airplane Buddy Holly died in was "American "Pie" (thus the name of the Don

McLean song).

83. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history.

Spades-King David

Clubs-Alexander the Great

Hearts-Charlemagne

Diamonds-Julius Caesar

84. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

85. Hershey kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like

it's kissing the conveyor belt.

86. An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain (how many people do you know that

you can say the same thing about?????)

87. Cat's urine glows under a blacklight

88. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously

89. If you have 3 quarters, 4 dimes and 4 pennies, you have $1.19. You also have

the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for $1.00.

90. No NFL team which plays it's home games in a domed stadium has ever won the Superbowl.

91. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games

(MLB, NBA, NHL, NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star game.

92. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."

[caddmannq]

Whew!...

I wasn't that bored!

[Brainchild]

Vass are you at work? That was good, but I think you have too much time on your hands
When a cow laughs does milk come out of it's nose that's good.
I am also a gilligan fan, I knew that jonas grumby was the skippers name, but not that willy gilligan was gilligans full name

At least they are not Knock Knock jokes, eh caddmannq?

Cheers
Mick

[Redwolf]

Stalin's original name was Iosif Vissarionovich Dzhugashvli (I did some research on it and I am not bullshitting), he later changed his name to Stalin, which meant Man of Steel. He was born on December 21, 1879, in Gori, Republic of Georgia. Both his parents, astonishing to say were Georgian peasants! Neither of them spoke Russian, but Stalin was forced to learn it when he attended a church school (now...he wouldn't have known Russian if he had not attended a Russian Church!). Ironically, Stalin was also the best pupil in the school. His schoolboy nick-name was Soso (please, I am not lying) Now, with this little bit of information on Stalin's past, you should now who and why Stalin is so powerful.



Obtained from:
http://www.planetcnc.com/features/wa...d=10&chapter=1

[vass0922]

no worries folks, it was all cut and paste
No way in hell I typed that out lol
let alone remember all that