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Join Date: Oct 2001 Location: Southern California
Posts: 820
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Help Desk Follies
This is a true account of personal trial, which happened while I was working Tech Support for a company which sold Stock Analysis software. The company would sell data to its customers who would download said data from the company's database on a daily basis. Their listing of data was, therefore, kept on their hard drive, along with the data itself.
Me: "Thank you for calling, how can I help you?"
Him: "Yeah, I want my data back. You need my phone number?"
Me: "Back? What's happened to your data?"
Him: "It's gone. I need it back. Let's get this going, hmmm?"
Me: "Ummm...sir, what happened to it?"
Him: "Don't you worry about that. Just give me my freaking data."
Me: "Well, we have several options for data replacement. If you can send us a listing of the stocks you had--"
Him: "Send you a list? I don't have time for this !@*#$!&. Give me my data."
Me: "Uh, unfortunately, it's not that easy. We can--"
Him: "Look, buddy, don't jerk me around. Just press your little whachamajiggers there, zip me down my data, and we're good, ok?"
Me: "Well, sir, these are your options. You can--"
Him: "*$#& you, you stupid ?&$! Stick those options up your @#$*! Why won't you give me my data!?!?"
For the next half hour, I try to explain amidst all the interruptions that he is going to have to pay for the replacement data, either by downloading it again or by getting it on disk from us, and that it would be Monday at the earliest (this was Friday, one hour before closing) before he got it back regardless of which method he chose. This, of course, was unacceptable and resulted in me being subjected to more tirades of ridiculous cursing and genetic analysis. Finally, just to change the subject (he refused to hang up, which I was hoping for), I inquired further into the whereabouts of his missing data.
Me: "Sir, what exactly was it that happened to your data?"
Him: "You have it there! What the hell is in your head?"
Me: "What happened to the data you used to have?"
Him: "Well, this is a new computer, and I need it here, if you morons can handle that."
Me: "Oh! Well, we can transfer it from the old machine. Is it--"
Him: "Nope, nope, can't do that. It's dead."
Me: "Dead?"
Him: "That's right, dead. Your software killed it, so I threw it away."
Me: "You...threw it away? What was wrong with it?"
Him: "What are you, deaf?!? It wouldn't work any more, the monitor, laser printer, nothing, so I threw it all away."
Me: "You threw away the printer?!?"
Him: "Yeah, damn thing cost me $8000 to replace it all, and I'm gonna sue you guys!"
Me: "Well, um, what was wrong with it? Did it get hit by lightning or something?"
Him: "I told you, your software killed it! You got @#!+ in your ears? I put your $#^&*# disk in, and the whole computer just died."
Me: "Died."
Him: "That's right, pooboy!! It wouldn't load anymore, not even windows, just a blank screen with some gobbledygook babble on it."
Me: "What babble was this? An error message?"
Him: "You're damn right, an error message, caused by your software!!! I hope you can clean toilets, buddy!"
Me: "Do you have the error message written down somewhere?"
Him: "Well, Mr. Smartypants, as a matter of fact I do! And I'm gonna use it in court to see you in rags!"
Me: "What's it say?"
Him: (rustle, rustle, curse, curse, mutter) "Ah hah! Here it is! It says, 'Non System Disk or Disk Error!' You'll pay for this!"
At this point, I, and the other techs who were listening in by now, shared a great laugh, which I didn't bother to mute.
Me: "Sir, you will be happy to know that you threw away a perfectly good $8000 set of machinery because you were stupid enough to leave a disk in the drive."
Him: (long silence) "...well, I'm still gonna sue you guys..."
Me: "I want front row seats in the courtroom. Have a nice evening." (click)
Epilogue: When he called back on Monday, the manager terminated his account for abusive behavior for that record two minutes, thirty-eight second call.
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