If you adopt a kid

[Warthog]

If you adopted a kid when he/she was just a baby, when and how would you tell them that you are not their biological parents?

This random question came into my wee head because some of my parents friends are going to be adopting a Russian baby sometime soon.

Just wondering what people thought about this.

Warthog

[fatal xception]

I'm adopted and I was told as soon as I could understand (around 3 or 4).

The answer to the next question is no, I have no desire to find my biological parents. Best thing they could have done is give me up.

Side note: I have a theory about adoption. Told at an early age and most adoptees I know don't want to find their biological parents. Told very late and they seem to want to. I think that if you know early, you have time to adapt and grow used to it. Told late (like some family secret) and you may resent it being kept from you and you go searching.

Any adoptees want to agree or disagree?

[daveleau]

One of the closest members of my family was adopted. She was brought up knowing. It was never an issue. She decided one day she wanted to know who her parents were. I am not sure if they ever were able to meet, but she knows who her biological parents are at least.

I'd probably do that if I have to adopt.

[Mntsnow]

I was adopted and I was raised knowing that I was.. I am glad I was too as I saw how devistating it was for a friend of a friend when he found out by accident when he was about 17 years old. Truthfully it dang near killed him and from that time until I lost contact with him 12 or 13 years ago he had yet to smooth things out with the people that raised him (both sides just didnt handle the situation very well obviously).

Anyways. I was lucky and I was able to find my Natural Mother shortly after I turned 21 as I had access to the adoption records. Found that I had 4 half sisters and 1 half brother and we have a great relationship. both of my Moms have become friends so a pretty cool situation for me and my own family now

As for answering the timing issue of if found out late made people want to find the natural parents any more than those knowing all the time I personally dont think so...Everyone in my adopted family was adopted (4 of us total) and we were all rasied knowing (we were all adopted as babies). I am the only one that ever had the desire and drive to know my natural side. and I always said I would find my natural mother growing up..Not to be mean or spitful to my adoptive parents but out of my own curiosity and wanting to know where certain traits came from and stuff like that.

[Theophylact]

Concealment is terrible. I have a cousin who didn't know until he was nearly 50 that the man he thought all his life was his father was not his biological one. His mother and her husband had hidden from him the fact that he was born out of wedlock; both his fathers (biological and adoptive) had been dead for years when he discovered the fact, almost by pure accident, and confronted his mother.

Everybody in my parent's generation knew, but the conspiracy of silence was so thorough that nobody ever revealed the secret; I can hardly believe it even now.

It set him off on a quest of many years to unravel his mother's story and his own, and to try to explain it to himself; although he wrote a book about it , Eleanor's Rebellion, I don't believe he's gotten over it yet.

[Tomteriffic]

I'm an adoptee, one of nine in my family (our family portrait looks like a UNICEF poster, no kidding ) and my son is adopted. We all grew up knowing it, and I explained it very simply to my son when he was about 3 or 4. No big whoop as far as he's concerned. He's 18 now, nearly 19.

The younger kids in my sibling pack hardly had to be told, all they had to do was show up at the breakfast table and look around

Anyway, one or two of us have gone on a bit of a "quest" in our late teens or early 20's, not out of any dissatisfaction, disillusionment, or anything of the sort. Just plain curiousity, really. The adoption records in my home state are sealed, so it was really a blind alley anyway.

I have to admit to a certain amount of "scientific curiosity" simply because I've got a few minor birth defects and have come up with a few illnesses and diseases that tend to be hereditary in nature. So, I'm a bit of a biological time bomb.

On the other hand, my 50 years on the planet so far have been one little surprise after another as far as that stuff goes, so, maybe I'll just wait for the next episode

In any event, telling them early, letting them know that they're kinda special because they got "picked out" (without making a large deal of this last point), seems to work well. Heck, I was about 11 before I figured out that babies DIDN'T happen at the front door in the arms of a social worker

[AQR8]

My mother is adopted and growing up with that knowledge made it very natural and normal for me. After our daughter was born, for some reason we had a lot of difficulty trying to have another child. We lost a baby a few months into the preg and my wife had some medical problems. We thought if over for a few years and decided to adopt. This weekend our son turned 12.

He has grown up knowing that he is adopted. He may at some point want to look up his birth mother and if so we will be supportive of his desire. I have a file that I keep with all the information in case this comes up. I'd agree with many of the comments already made about giving the child the info as they are able to process and handle it.

On a side note, I appreciated reading your input Tomterrific and Mntsnow. I got to see a more personal glimpse of some of the people I have come to respect in this community. Thanks for sharing that with us.

AQR8

[Warthog]

Wow, nice to hear from several adoptees here....good posts. Answers my questions thoroughly.

Side note: I have a theory about adoption. Told at an early age and most adoptees I know don't want to find their biological parents. Told very late and they seem to want to. I think that if you know early, you have time to adapt and grow used to it. Told late (like some family secret) and you may resent it being kept from you and you go searching.

I think that is the general consensus.

Thanks all.....anymore are welcome.

Warthog

[TheBurningCat]

havn't read above but my brother was adopted and has seen not talked to his biological mum.

He has always known