Reflections on life...

[jman01pa]

Reflections on life

1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5. Do you think illiterate people get the full affect of alphabet soup?

6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
specific.

7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at
you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the Window?

8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot,
but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five
Miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I
lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody
stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some
form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

12. They show you how detergent takes out bloodstains. I think if
you've got
a tee shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your
biggest problem.

13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell
you it's
because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful,
but I
only have photographs of her on the walls.

14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and
said,
"Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't
know
there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter
Library, the
Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult
Bookstore.