Love (or lack there-of) advice needed :(

[Tekk]

Well I've been with my girlfriend for about 1 year and 10 months now. I had been goin out with her for about 1 year and then it was time for her to head off to college. Well, she decided to break it off because she didn't wanna have any ties back here. But about a month later we decided to give it a shot (much to my liking...I was for giving it a shot from the get-go...the long distance thing that is). So she's been in Indiana and I've been here in California and we've managed to only have about 30 days in between when we saw eachother the whole school year (I visited her a couple times and she came back home sometimes too).

So now its summer again and for the past month I couldn't help but feel things had changed. They had and we actually talked about it. We both felt that the long distance thing has not worked out as we planned and that we both do NOT want to put ourselves through it one more time.

When we had this talk of course I was planning on breaking it off right then and there but she started to pull the woman logic and tears started and she told me she just wanted to have a fun summer together. Of course, once the guy starts to hear woman logic and tears he breaks down and cant help but agree with the girl

So I gave in and decided to give it a shot. Its about 3 days later from that talk and tonight we went to the dodger game with some friends and it was fun. We came back and were just watching TV and one thing led to another after a while and we started messin around. Skipping that whole part (sorry everyone ), Im home now.

But heres the thing....I feel bad for some reason that we messed around. Like this whole situation has changed for me because I KNOW that we are breaking up at the end of the summer. When I think about it, I feel that she just wants to stay together to make it easier because we have mutual friends and we both know that we would have to face eachother at some point. Im totally ok with being friends but it seems she's afraid. Anyway, Im starting to feel like Im just not putting the effort in anymore because I KNOW that its just gonna be over in the end. So NOW I start second guessing my decision Geez....

I just dont know what to do. I know I should talk to her...but I really feel like I should just break the whole thing off now. I just feel like because I know its basically over (at the end of summer when she leaves again) that its more of a friends with benefits type situation and honestly Im just not down for that (that might be a shocker to some of you but its true )

$*@(*!@)(*(&()*)_*&^%$#

I just dont know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DARNIT!!!
Having all these darn thoughts is too confusing for a simple person like me.

[Gibbo]

If you realy feel that way about the situation, you should talk to her and explain how you feel (easy to say I know but it's got to be done). It'll be a lot easier on both of you when she does go back to college, and you'll probable be better friends for it.

Just my opinion though, do what you ultimatly (sp?) feel is right

Good luck, whatever you end up doing

[Sweet]

Hi Tekk, please just don't be too hard on yourself. Try to look at this from a different perspective. Like when you are 10 or 20 years older. Take some time for yourself to relax and think. Take care of yourself.

Remember, change is inevitable. Make the right choice. Things always turn out, one way or another..... Good Luck and take care. Sorry for sounding so 'parental".......

[HomeYield]

Hey Tekk, I'm sort of in the same situation. Without going into all the details, I'll just say make the most of your life. Do what you want to do and don't have any regrets about what happens. If that's breaking it off or hanging out, make sure that you are happy first of all. Its tough to give you advice about what to do and I'm definitely not the one to be giving it but you just have to realize what's best for you.

I know it all sounds selfish but unless you are happy making others happy without thought for yourself then its going to be a tough summer. Live life to the fullest and enjoy every minute of it. If you aren't then something needs to change.

Think about it this way... If she leaves for school and leaves you, how guilty are you going to feel for having carried this sort of relationship on all summer (and that's a question, not an accusation)? If you think you can live with it, then where's the harm? If your conscience is going to bother you, then get out now. Guilt is bad for your health. You don't want to go bald already do you? :P

When faced with a similar situation, I explained to her why I felt it was wrong and told her that I wouldn't be talking to her for quite a while, so as not to be tempted by my own stupidity. Well, she wasn't very happy with that, and still isn't, but just because she can obsolve herself (ie your girlfriend) of the past/guilt doesn't mean you should even have to try. If she doesn't understand that, or doesn't try, then I wouldn't think she cared much about you, just about 'it'. Hopefully that's not the case.

I know I'm a little ruthless in my love-life advice so you probably want to stay well away from it, but I figured what-the-hey?

-Whir

how old are you?

[Knothead]

Hey, Whir, I thought your advice was pretty on target, from where I stand, anyway.

Tekk, let me see if I've got this straight: You're in a relationship that can't continue, but both of you still have strong enough feelings for the other, that you both still surrender to..."benefits" as you put it...but this makes you feel guilty (or worse, "weak") ? Why?

I've learned that love comes in lots of sizes and shapes, and IMO, it is presumptuous for a person to assume that it must have "the following parameters and qualifications and rules and, and..." because that's just logic. Love is something else, man. And lovemaking is but a component of the whole deal, and NOT some kind of "proof" of the validity of the relationship. And that component can very easily exist outside of an all-consuming love relationship....such as, a very intense friendship.

The point I'm tip-toeing around is that you may well have these "benefits" with this woman, even though you are both aware that it's not going toward a complete "life together" kind of thing. And it sounds like you are both aware that it isn't (at this point, anyway...) I'm sure she was a willing accomplice. And you both got to reaffirm your good feelings to the other. And it may never happen again; that's okay too. Just don't beat yourself up about it.

Talk about it instead. If she feels sheepish too, at least you can come to an understanding that leaves you both with a clean, positive feeling towards the other. Good luck.

Thanks Knot. Yours is about fifteen gazillion times better (worded too) though. And I have to agree with him Tekk. No matter what happens, don't beat yourself up. The past is the past and living in the past is generally bad for your mental health (not to contradict what I said above, because the situation wasn't similar enough, there were some other people involved). Anyway, blah blah.

Good luck with this Tekk. Everything turns out better when you keep smiling.

-Whir

Edit: I need to learn to click the right button.

[Tekk]

...how guilty are you going to feel for having carried this sort of relationship on all summer ...

Well if I keep feeling like this then pretty guilty. Actually, I dont think its guilt as much as feeling like I lived a farce.

I've learned that love comes in lots of sizes and shapes...

I realize that too but I came across an interesting question about a month ago that made me think. There really is a difference between being in love with someone and just saying that you love someone. I came to the realization that I love her like I love my dearest friends, and nothing more. Well maybe more because she is a girl and I care about my friends who are girls more..well just because

*Sigh* I think I just need to bight the bullet and talk instead of trying to figure things out myself...well I need to figure out what I want of course but I still need to talk to her. Unfortunately...she's going to Europe for 2 weeks in a couple of days.....and I wont talk to her once during that time span. It'll be like she's at school again but this time there's no phone calls. Maybe those 2 weeks will be the "icing on the cake" for my decision too...who knows.

Heck Im 20 years old..should I even be worrying about this much stuff?

[Gomer]

Sounds like you both know that soon enough this relationship is going to be like beating a dead horse (when she moves). For the time being tho, things sound like you are both enjoying yourselves and having fun. So I say, until that horse dies, giddyap!

5 years from now (when all the emotional chemicals realted to this have run their course) what will have mattered? There is always going to be pain whenever to people in a relationship dissolve it. It is going to be life changing pain? Pain that will still cause problems 5 years from now? Prolly not. So have fun while it lasts!
=)