Joke Thread 001

[DangerSeeker]

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday
is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real
happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it
cost to get married?"
And the father replied,"I don't know son, I'm still paying."


Marriage...a Man's Perspective

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first
name was... Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked,
"What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping
on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in
four days."
She looked at him and said, "Man, I wish I had your
willpower."

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some
parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until
he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

[DangerSeeker]

Things That Bug Me...

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is, buddy...where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is??


People who are willing to get off their butts to search the entire room for the damn TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change it manually!


When people say..."Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it, too." Screw that!!! What good is a piece of cake if you can't eat it? What should I do...eat someone else's piece of cake instead??


When people say..."It's always the last place you look." Why the heck would you keep looking for it after you've already found it?? Do people do this?? Who and where are they??


When people say, while watching a movie ... "Did you see that?" No, dumb@$$, I paid $7.50 to come to a theater and stare at the ceiling!


People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya?


When something is "New & Improved," Which is it? If it's new, there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement then there must have been something before it!

When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going. "You should know, jerk. You're the one that pulled me over!"!

[DangerSeeker]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy
Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone
Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. "What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the
Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. "What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and
disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request." The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time, I said "BRING POSSE!"

LOL. Excellent Danger!!

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

[draboo]

LOLOLOLOL SHAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THATS GOOD