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"Actually, I — this may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about — when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me." —George W. Bush, in May 2000
"I would have said yes to abortion if only it was right. I mean, yeah it's right. Well no it's not right that's why I said no to it."
--South Carolina, February 14,2000
"I think we ought to raise the age at which juveniles can have a gun."
"I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question."—In response to a question about whether he wished he could take back any of his answers in the first debate. Reynoldsburg, Ohio, Oct. 4, 2000
"This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's what you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve."-Speaking during "Perseverance Month" at Fairgrounds Elementary School in Nashua, N.H. As quoted in the Los Angeles Times, Jan. 28, 2000
"I have learned from mistakes I may or may not have made."
Mr. Bush called a travel agent and asked about the documents he needed in order to visit India. “You need a passport and you need visa,” said the agent.
"Passport I have,” said Bush, “But will they accept my American Express?”
"They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program."—St. Charles, Mo., Nov. 2, 2000
A reporter cornered George W. Bush at a press conference:
"Many say the only reason why you would be elected for President is due to the enormous power and influence of your father."
"That notion is ridiculous!" mocked George Jr. "It doesn't matter how powerful Dad is. He can only vote once!"
"I've got a reason for running. I talk about a larger goal, which is to call upon the best of America. It's part of the renewal. It's reform and renewal. Part of the renewal is a set of high standards and to remind people that the greatness of America really does depend on neighbors helping neighbors and children finding mentors. I worry. I'm very worried about, you know, the kid who just wonders whether America is meant for him. I really worry about that. And uh, so, I'm running for a reason. I'm answering this question here and the answer is, you cannot lead America to a positive tomorrow with revenge on one's mind. Revenge is so incredibly negative. And so to answer your question, I'm going to win because people sense my heart, know my sense of optimism and know where I want to lead the country. And I tease people by saying, 'A leader, you can't say, follow me the world is going to be worse.' I'm an optimistic person. I'm an inherently content person. I've got a great sense of where I want to lead and I'm comfortable with why I'm running. And, you know, the call on that speech was, beware. This is going to be a tough campaign."-Interview with the Washington Post, March 23, 2000
One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, George W. Bush, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.
"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
George W. Bush rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am supposed to be the President of the U.S. The world needs leaders, and I think leaders should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry. The supposed leader of the free world just jumped out wearing my backpack."
Mr. Bush and his wife were driving in Connecticut and they reached a town named Seymour. They could not figure out how to pronounce it.
Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, Mr. Bush said to the waitress: "My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."
The waitress looked at him and said: "MaaaacDonaaaaald"
George W. Bush was driving from Texas to New York and stopped in a bar on a quiet street and began drinking. After he was well past the legal limit, he stood up and shouted, "All Democrats are pigs!"
Immediately, the barroom crowd set upon him and threw him out of the bar.
After a few days, Mr. Bush stopped in the same bar on his way back to Texas and began drinking again. He stood up, but remembering what had happened last time, he shouted, "All Republicans are pigs," whereupon the crowd descended upon him and threw him out again.
Lying on ground, he asked a passer by "Who the hell do these people vote for around here?"
"You don't understand," the man replied. "They are all pig farmers."
GEORGE W. BUSH AND DICK CHENEY go to lunch at a restaurant. Bush scans the menu for awhile and says to the waitress, "How 'bout a quickie." She looks shocked and says, "And I thought Clinton was bad! How would you like to get hit with a lawsuit, you creep?" She storms off. Bush looks dazed and turns to Cheney, who says, "Mr. President, I believe it's pronounced "keesh" ('quiche'.")
EINSTEIN DIES and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter says, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea what some people will do to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers, and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."
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I do have to wonder if some of those are accurate quotes though. 
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