Sample letter to the bank (funny)

[krusty the klown]

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which
I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three
nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the
arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course,
to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which,
I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for
seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account
by $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My
thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to
rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal
righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant
incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2002, taking as my model the
procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no
greater compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised of the following changes I have noticed that
whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try
to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I,
like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You
will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your
chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order
that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is
no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee
with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that
it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the
number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone
bank service. As they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let
me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new
telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have
any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated
voice service: Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized
Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play
for the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The
Best of Woodie Guthrie": "Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at
every door, And the vaults are filled with silver, That the miners sweated
for."
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has
often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost
which you have always been quick to pass on to me.
Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a
matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of
$20 per page. Inquiries from the Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per
minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for
example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be
passed back to you. New phone service runs at 75 cents a minute.
You will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?
Your Humble Client,

[VERT]

hehehe nice. Hmmm I wonder if it would work if I were to send to my bank.

[TonTo]

I wish i could do that.... all the people at my bank are man hating ugly old shrew's.

i LOVE how, if you've got 50 dollars in the bank... and 3 checks are presented, a 75, a 20, and a 20,........ they'll try the 75 first, return it, overdraft it.... and then do the same with the other 2 20's.... when, they COULD have sent the through 20's....

[Cruez]

ROFL....I like..