Daily Joke

The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.
“Chief Two Eagles,” one official began, “you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems.”
The chief nodded.
The official continued, “Considering recent events, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?”
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and then calmly replied. “When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did most of the work. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time.”. The chief smiled, and added quietly, “White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.”

[KAknight]

Two friends were playing golf on a saturday afternoon. The were teeing up on the 15th hole when one man said to the other, "Hey, look at those two idiots over there fishing in the rain."

C'mon fellas. Put in your favorite one here!!

[Knothead]

YEAH!!

Well, there was this politician campaigning thru a state with an Indian reservation, so he stopped to give a speech, maybe grab some votes...

"My friends," he boomed, "Elect me and I'll see to it that your families have adequate medical care, and decent housing!"

AT this, the Indian crowd laughed, applauded, and replied, "OOMALA!"

The Pol continued, "Not only that, but I'll see to it that every one of you has a voice in the House of Representatives!"

Again, the crowd responded, and shouts of "OOMALA" were heard.

Encouraged, the politician grandly announced, "I will see to it as well, that all treaties with the government be reviewed and enforced by their original TERMS!...." and so on.

The laughter and applause and shouts of "OOMALA!" were almost deafening! The politician was most gratified.

A bit later, the Indians put on a show of horsemanship for the pol's benefit. The politician, in an effort to get a better look, edged around the side of the corral.

The Chief advised against it, and the politician asked why.

"Because if you go a few more steps at that end," the Chief said, "You'll step in that pile of Oomala!"

[nunyadam]

You can find mine here.
http://www.techimo.com/forum/t17062.html

[Kuasimodem]

WHAT DOES YOUR DAD DO?

It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.

The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."

The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."

Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."

The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.

Jimmy blushes and says, "No teacher I'm sorry, but my dad plays for the Minnesota Vikings, and I was just too embarrassed to say so.

GO PACKERS!!!

Women's Scoring System from the Secret Book of Women

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when
dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you
to understand just how it works.

Remember, in the world of romance one single rule applies: Make the
woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something
she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for
doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is
played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets -1
You leave the toilet seat up -5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex -1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom -2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings +5
In the snow +8
but return with beer -5
and no liners -25
You check out a suspicious noise at night 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something +5
You pummel it with a six iron +10
It's her cat -40

AT THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party +20
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy -2
Named Tiffany -4
Tiffany is a dancer -10
With breast implants -18

HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday 0
You buy a card and flowers 0
You take her out to dinner 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar +1
Okay, it is a sports bar -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the
colors of your favorite team -10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go with a pal 0
The pal is happily married +1
The pal is single -7
He drives a Ferrari -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED) -15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a movie +2
You take her to a movie she likes +4
You take her to a movie you hate +6
You take her to a movie you like -2
It's called Death Cop III -3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans -15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly -15
You develop a noticeable pot belly exercise to get rid of +10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy
Hawaiian shirts -30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." -800

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

You hesitate in responding -10
You reply, "Where?" -35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass" -100
Any other response -20

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem:

You listen, displaying a concerned expression 0
You listen, for over 30 minutes +5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience +50
Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well,
what do
you think I should do" -50
You have fallen asleep -200

[Thud]

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year-old woman has a baby. All of her relatives come to meet the newest member of the family. They ask to see the baby, but the aged mother keeps saying, "Not yet."

Finally, a cousin asks, "When can we see the baby?"

"When it cries," says the elderly mom.

"Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" the cousin asks impatiently.

"Because I forgot where I put it."

Students at a medical school were receiving their first Anatomy
lesson with a real dead human body.
They all gathered around the Surgery table where the body was covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them. "In Medicine it is necessary to have 2 important Qualities as a Doctor. The First is not to have disgust, and as he said the words he drew away the sheet that covered the corpse.
The Professor then promptly sunk his finger into the rectum of
his patient, and then withdrawing it he sucked on that finger.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
They had seen their old boss suck his finger after first
sticking it first into the corpse's rectum.

At first they freaked out and hesitated, then one by one they
poked their finger into the corpse's bum and then sucked on their finger after withdrawing it.

When every one had finished the Professor looked at them
and added , "the second most important Quality is OBSERVATION,
I sunk in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger,

"PAY ATTENTION PLEASE"

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Smoking 10.3, Boozing 2.5 and Saturday Night Pubs 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications like Night Club 4.3, Dance Drunk'n' 2.0 and Bachelor Party 7.77.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install does not work on this program. Once I tried to uninstall Wife 1.0 but got this error "General Protection = Fault in module House Security. The Uninstallation will abort." Can you help me, please!!!

From Tech Support

Dear Software Engineer,

Ref : Upgrade from a girlfriend to a wife This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is actually an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is
unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge Wife 1.0 from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the =Original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support" which was given to you at the time of registration with Wife 1.0. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). The best course of action
will be to enter the command C:\ APOLOGIZE. In fact I would suggest you use this command everytime Wife 1.0 crashes on your system. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0 or Movies 4.5 which will improve the performance of Wife 1.0 Do not,under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Best of luck.



Tech Support