I saw this one on the usenets. These are really funny.
It takes some time to read, but when your finished you will look the whole day like this:
(maybe even whole weekend
)
1. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
2. You know how most packages say "Open here. What is the protocol if the
package says, "Open somewhere else"?
3. Since Americans throw rice at weddings do Orientals throw hamburgers?
4. Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't
they be called builts?
5. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
6. Why do people without out a watch look at their wrist when you ask them
what time it is?
7. Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
8. Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
9. Who is General failure and why is he reading my disk ?
10. The light went out, but where to ?
11. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they
already know you don't have?
12. Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra?
13. How come when I call Information they can't tell me where my keys are?
14. Why do people go to Burger King and Order a Double Whopper with a Large
French Fry and insist on a Diet Coke?
15. Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
16. Why is the alphabet in that order?
17. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is
expanding, what is it expanding into?
18. If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi
driver end up owing you money?
19. What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
20. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the
other trees make fun of it?
21. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
22. When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It
sounds like a near hit to me.
23. Who's bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby! Mr. Bigger's baby because
he is a little bigger!
24. Do fish get cramps after eating?
25. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
26. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
27. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold
tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
28. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge
of everything outdoors?
29. If progress is technology moving forward, then what is congress?
30. How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they are?
31. If the plural of "mouse" is "mice, shouldn't the plural of "house" be
"hice"?
32. If you put orange juice in the freezer it becomes frozen, then why when
you squeeze an orange isn't it squozen?
33. Why is there only one Monopolies commission?
34. Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn't it be easier
to just hire taller dancers?
35. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
36. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
37. If you eat pasta and anti-pasta, are you still hungry?
38. If it's called tourist season, why can't we shoot 'em?
39. Why is the 3rd hand on a watch called a "second" hand?
40. Why are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii?
41. Where will next year's crop of seedless watermelons come from?
42. Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
43. If heat rises, why is the snow on the TOP of the mountain?
44. How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery
is dead?
45. Why do they put braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
46. Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a
shipment. but when you transport something by ship. its cargo?
47. You know that little indestructable black box that is used on planes.
Why dont they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
48. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address. you turn
down the volume on the radio?
49. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
50. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
51. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
52. Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's
not a-door?
53. Tell someone that there are 400 billion stars and they'll believe you.
Tell them a bench has wet paint and thy have to touch it.
54. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked
when someone threw a gun at him?
55. Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?
56. If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of
progress?
57. Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid
contains real lemons?
58. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
59. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
60. Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
61. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them
62. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
63. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
64. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
65. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
66. What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
67. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard
68. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?
69. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
70. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
71. Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM
longer?
72. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
73. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all
still working?
74. Isn't Disneyland a people trap operated by a mouse?
75. Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
76. Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak?
77. Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
78. War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
79. If you throw a cat out the window, is it considered kitty litter?
80. If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him,
is he still wrong?
81. Why do we drive on parkways, and park on driveways?
82. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
83. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?
84. If a book about success doesn't sell, is it a success?
85. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they
still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
86. Is there another word for synonym?
87. Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
88. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
89. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown
away?
90. Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
91. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
92. Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
93. Why do they report power outages on TV?
94. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an
endangered plant?
95. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
96. Is it possible to be totally partial?
97. What's another word for thesaurus?
98. If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON. how do they make it stick to the pan?
99. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
100. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
101. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
102. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day. 365 days a year. why are there locks on
the doors?
103. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their
headlights off?
104. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
105. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
106. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
107. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?
108. Why is the word abbreviation so long?
109. When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
110. Can a fat person go skinny dipping?
111. Why do you need a drivers licence to buy liquor when you can't drink
and drive?
112. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
113. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of
parachutes?
114. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited
there?
115. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?
116. If a cow laughed. would milk come out her nose?
117. If your in a vehicle going the speed of light. what happens when you
turn on the headlights?
PS, mods if this post is to long in your opinion, you are free to edit it. But leave the real funny ones, when possible
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