I need a cute joke!

[jman01pa]

I am in need of a good, clean, cute joke to cheer a female friend up today. Anyone have one they want to share?

Thanks


J

[bullgator]

Looking down...
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally
behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check
it out. So he called one of his angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When she returned, she told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are
misbehaving and 5% are not." He thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I
had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."
So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time too.

When the second angel returned she went to God and said, "Yes, the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."

God was not pleased, so he decided to E-mail the 5% that were good
because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help themkeep going.


Do you know what that E-mail said?
. . .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
You didn't get one either, huh?

[mtpros]

This one is kind of old...

A little boy with a speech impediment is asked by his mother "What do you wanna be for Halloween?"

Little boy replies "A Piwate!"

His mother says "A Piwate? You mean like someone who flies a plane?"

Little boy says "No a piwate with a big hat and a swoard!"

His mother says "Oh a pirate!" So she heads off to the store and buys him his pirate costume...

Later that night they go trick or treating and the little boy knocks on his first door and a lady answers saying "Oh you are so cute what are you supposed to be?"

Little boys says "A Piwate!"

Lady says "A Piwate? You mean like someone who flies a plane?"

Little boy says "No a Piwate with a big hat and a swoard!"

The lady exclaims "Oh a pirate! Well if you are a pirate where are your Bucaneers?"

The little boy says "On my Buckin Head!"


Thank you! Thank you! I will be here all week

[RADAR1797]

A man is lonely and decides to head down to his local pet store to get a pet. The store owner says, "Sir, dogs are quite good companions, can I interest you in a beagle?" The man tells the owner no, he is not home enough to take care of a dog. The owner shows him a few more pets and ends up showing him a centipede. The eyes the centipede and decides to buy it. Well he brings the centipede home and sets up its aquarium. The man receives a phone call from his friend Frank who wants to grab a beer that evening. The man knocks on the aquarium, tells the centipede, "Hey Frank called we are getting a beer tonight if you want to go." No response. About an hour before he leaves, the man knocks on the glass again, "Leaving for Frank's in about an hour." No response. Five minutes before he leaves, "Hey I leaving for Franks in five." No response. As he is bout to go out the door he bangs the glass one last time to announce he departure, "I'm heading to Frank's." Then he hears a wee little voice from the aquarium, "I heard you the first time, I've been putting on my shoes"

-RADAR

[Cruez]

mtpros.....the one you posted made me bust out laughing at work.....people here think I'm insane already...

[Graham]

Another oldie (not as old as mtpro's though )

A woman goes to the vets with her dog, she says.. "He was alright this morning".

The vet has a look and says "I'm afraid he's dead".

"He can't be he was playing ball earlier".

"Well I'm sorry but there it is".

"I want a second opinion".

So the vet goes out and comes back with a labrador.

"You know how dogs are together?".

The labrador has a quick sniff then lays down.

"There" says the vet "he is obviously dead".

"I just can't believe it, I want another opinion"

So the vet gets a cat, "cats and dogs can't ignore each other".

The cat reacts initially but then just prowls around the room.

"I am afraid you will just have to face it, your dog is dead!"

"I suppose so says the lady, how much do I owe you?"

"176 pounds" says the vet.

"WHAT, just to tell me my dog's dead?"

"Well, you have my fee, thats £60,

then you have the Lab report

and the cat scan !!!"


G

[Cruez]

(also old)...

A farmer notices a hobo in the field one day. He is shoving his fingers in a cows behind and rubbing them on his lips...

The farmer thought..."What the heck is this idiot doing??"...

He saw him doing this for a few days until the farmer had seen enough.....so, he went out to the hobo and asked, "Why are you shoving your fingers in a cow's rear end and then wiping them on your lips....????"

The hobo replies " I have chapped lips"..

Farmer says" that doesn't cure chapped lips you moron!!"

"Nope", the hobo replied, "but It sure keeps you from licking your lips.."

[fatal xception]

Here's one that always cracked me up:

A man bought a parrot from a pet store. The man didn't know it, but this parrot uses swear words all day long! He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. The problem is that the man who bought him is a quiet, conservative man, and the bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, the man got very angry at the parrot, so he grabbed the bird by the throat, shook him really hard, and yelled, "STOP IT !"

But that just made the bird mad and he swore more than ever.

So the man got angrier and said, "FINE! Swear all you want!" and he put the bird in the closet.

Now the parrot was really angry, so when the man let him out of the closet, he scratched him and bit him. He also swore a long string of swear words.

At that point, the guy got so mad that he threw the bird into the freezer!

For the first few seconds, there were terrible noises coming from the freezer. The bird kicked and clawed and swore. Then suddenly, it got very very quiet....

At first, the guy just waited, but then he started to think that the bird may be hurt or dying. So, after a couple of minutes of silence, he was so worried that he opened the freezer door.

The bird quietly climbed out of the freezer onto the man's arm and said: "I'm very sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The parrot was shaking because he was scared.

The man was astounded. He couldn't understand the transformation that came over the parrot.

Then with a shaking voice, the parrot said, "May I ask one question sir? What did the chicken do?"

hahah why is the lamest jokes bring a smile to ones face???


lol

[fatal xception]

The Illinois man left the streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find where he had written
her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

"...Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here..."