Some Good Laughs

[SPEEDO]

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can
buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large
fries,and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain
the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth tens of thousands of
dollars in the driveway and put our useless crap in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns
in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.
But we are not alone. In case you needed further proof that the
human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label
instructions on consumer goods:

11. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping". [Gee, that's the
only time I have to work on my hair]

12. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside". [Evidently, the shoplifter special]

13. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." [And
that would be how...?]

14. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." [But
it's *just* a suggestion]

15. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn
upside down". [Oops, too late!]

16. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after
heating". [As sure as night follows the day . . .]

17. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body". [But
wouldn't this save even more time?]

18. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication". [We could do a lot to reduce
the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds
with head-colds off those forklifts.]

19. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness". [One would
hope]

20. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use
only".
[As opposed to what?]

21. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other
use".[??????]

[Mike]

LOL
Those are some good ones!

[MrFrost]

I think the one that amuses me the most is parking lots at Bars.

Top 20 Replies by Programmers when their programs do not work

20. "That's weird..."
19. "It's never done that before."
18. "It worked yesterday."
17. "How is that possible?"
16. "It must be a hardware problem."
15. "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?"
14. "There is something wrong in your data."
13. "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"
12. "You must have the wrong version."
11. "It's just some unlucky coincidence."
10. "I can't test everything!"
9. "THIS can't be the source of THAT."
8. "It works, but I havn't been tested."
7. "Somebody must have changed my code."
6. "Did you check for a virus on your system?"
5. "Even though it doesn't work, how does it work?
4. "You can't use that version on your system."
3. "Why do you want to do it that way?"
2. "Where were you when the program blew up?"

And the Number One Reply by Programmers when their programs don't work:

1. "It works on my machine."

Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup files and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
Ten minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.

Ten minutes later:

User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.

1 hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft Support and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply. Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE

The Perfect Employee?

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot Bob was standing over my shoulder while I wrote
the report sent to you earlier today. Please re-read
only the odd numbered lines.

Question 1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion?


Read the next question (not related to the first) before reading the answer.


Question 2: It is time to elect the world leader, and yours is the deciding vote. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:


Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain
smokes and drinks to 10 martinis a day.


Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every
evening.



Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any
extramarital affairs



Which of these candidates would be your choice?











Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.

























DO NOT GO BEYOND THIS POINT UNLESS YOU HAVE ANSWERS TO BOTH QUESTIONS ABOVE.
























Candidate A ... is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B ... is Winston Churchill
Candidate C ... is Adolph Hitler !!!!!






And by the way: Answer to the abortion question ... If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.

How Yodeling Actually Started

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
California? Oregon? Switzerland?

Most believe it originated in Switzerland, but here's the real version.

Many years ago a young man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that
he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from
upstairs and asked her father, "Who is that man going into
the barn?"
"That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "He
needs a place to stay for the night, so I said he could sleep
in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared
him a plate of food and took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing
disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that
perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine,
took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an
hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly
and her hair all messed up. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and
continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone,
she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying
goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house
looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had
sex with my daughter!"

The young man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out, "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO."

[markuy06]

These really made me laugh i needed that
I aspecialy liked the one about Bob.
thanx for sharing them

[korgul]

BEst call I have had.

User: my machine won't turn on
Me: What to you men it wont turn on
User: When I push the button Nothing happens
Me: What button are you pushing
User: the one on the front of the computer
Me: Ok I will be right over

I then checked the power connection and found that to be connected. Although this same user could not turn the machine on cuse it was unplugged. DUH

I then asked them to turn the PC on.
She reached down and pushed the RESET button. I told her she was pushing the wrong button.

Her response: Well I have been pushing that one since I got this computer and it always worked before.

I chalked it up to an ID 10 T error

korgul