My First Song: The Escape

[DanGrease]

I need your opinions. I wrote this song yesterday when I couldn't sleep. I did it because a friend of mine asked me to write a song for him so he could use it. He was a member of my previous band, a really good friend, so I decided to give it a try. This is the first song I have written all by myself, and I want you guys to tell me what you think of it. Its suppose to be an Emo song. I am sure it has some grammar errors, so if you see some could you point it out and help me make the song error free? I appreciate all your opinions, ideas, and criticism. Since its my first song I don't know if its oK. I title of the song is 'The Escape'. Thanks for listening.

The Escape:

Sometimes everything seems to go south
Most of the time when I open my mouth
Can’t anyone understand how I feel?
I mean, sometimes it just seems it’s not for real

There was one time when I felt dead in life
And sure those white pills didn’t help that much
But no one wanted to stay in touch
And I just had to live with it

Chorus:
Why can’t anyone take me seriously?
Why is my heart always broke?
Why can’t anyone understand me?
I don’t want to be no joke

You know that tiny light spot in some cave?
That light representing the escape?
Well, my cave where I live has no hole
And I just have to live with it

Chorus:
Why can’t anyone take me seriously?
Why is my heart always broke?
Why can’t anyone understand me?
I don’t want to be no joke


These are only emotions
All in different proportions
Life can be such a bore
There’s nothing left anymore

Chorus:
Why can’t anyone take me seriously?
Why is my heart always broke?
Why can’t anyone understand me?
I don’t want to be no joke

dan

[JackYu]

quite a few grammar mistakes mate, im no english teacher but ill try and correct some things.... if thats what your asking.......
but other then that, the message is good, but to tell the truth, i didnt like it that much.........
but its still a good start

[DanGrease]

Thanks for being honest.
I know, english grammar is not my strong point.
Would be great if you could correct some things.

dan

[MD1032]

I thought there was already a song out there with this title that everyone says is a horrible song. I think it's about Pina Coladas, whatever those are.

Who cares what the lyrics are if there's no good music to back it up? What style are you shooting for, here?

[JackYu]

ill send u a pm with the corrections if youd like and a few hints

[DanGrease]

Thanks Jack.
Well, I dont know that song that has the same title as my song, so I cant really comment on that.
Also, the lyrics are very important IMO. Of course the music has to be good, but the lyrics has to have a mening. I always hear the lyrics of the songs I like, I think the message from the songs is more important than the music itself.

Style: Emopunk
dan

[JackYu]

i love emopunk, ill send u some riffs i made not to long ago(1 year ago...), with that youre song will be ready, do u play any instrument?

[DanGrease]

Thanks again Jack.
Yes I do, well I play some guitar, but I prefer to sing, to be the vocal of a band. That would be appreciated.

dan

[BettaBuy]

Sorry Dan, but I don't like it.

There's nothing wrong with negative, unhappy, depressing, desperate or dark lyrics.

But this is just "oh, why is everybody against me...i am so sad..whine whine...nobody understands me...whine whine..."

[DanGrease]

Heh. Well most Emo songs are about these feelings and like some call it whining. I am glad youre honest though.

dan