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Old 03-31-2004, 04:36 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Talk Carlinisms

I found these at an other site. Thought some one else might
enjoy them too.

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar not called a racist?
12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me. . They’re cramming for their final exam.
21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
24. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
25. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
26. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
27. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
28. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

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Old 03-31-2004, 04:42 PM   #2 (permalink)
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http://members.cox.net/vassweb/ponder.html

What is the speed of dark?
When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
What's another word for synonym?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor and planes don't have a row 13, but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment.. but when you transport something by ship its called cargo?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot...
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
What a nice night for an evening.
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
I live on a one-way dead-end street.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained.
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/min.
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Old 03-31-2004, 04:46 PM   #3 (permalink)
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LOL
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Old 03-31-2004, 08:49 PM   #4 (permalink)
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why do stores that are open 24/7 have locks on their doors?

lol good compilation vass and UB
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Old 04-01-2004, 09:31 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I love Carlin.

Thanks,

AL
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