Girlfriend with bad past

[joker_927]

I meant for this to be a short paragraph and question, but it turned out to be me telling you people my whole life story. If you get to the end, you're awesome.

This girl and I have known each other for almost 3 years now, but she has always been "a friend of a friend" sort of thing. Well, we went to a basketball game and we sat by each other, so it was just us, and we had a great time with just each other. We started talking a lot more and finding things with friends we could all do.

That was 3 weeks ago.

It finally clicked in my head that "I like this girl" so I started to flirt with her, and she responded by flirting with me. But if I could put flirting into levels, it was always level 1 flirting, anytime I would try to go to level 2 flirting, like holding hands, she would immediately back off. This continued for 2 weeks.

I was completely confused by her behavior, and just to make my life more chaotic, I had another friend come up to me and say that she really wants to take our friendship to the next level.

So I finally confronted the original girl and just asked her what she wanted. I told her that I was fine whether she wanted to be just friends, or be boyfriend/girlfriend, but I just needed an answer.

She told me that she had quite a traumatic experience in her last relationship (which ended 1.5 years ago) and that she has a real hard time trusting guys. She said she was scared of commitment and that, although she likes me, she keeps thinking of her past.

Well, jump to now.

We went out on our first real date without any friends to the movies tonight, and when I picked her up, I got to meet dad. The whole 30-second introduction seemed like I had the huge eye from "Lord of the Rings" staring into my soul. He looked at me like I was the devil, lol. Maybe exaggerating, but when we got in to car I asked if her dad is always so hard, and she said that he only has one previous example to base guys on, and that one wasn't good at all.

All these hints about her past being bad, and every time I ask her about it, she changes the subject. But she continuously makes hints about it being bad.

My question is should I really care about her past? She I give up trying to find out? If she wants to commit to something isn't a gaping hole in her past going to affect something? Since I don't know what really happened, I get all these ideas of what could have happened, and that isn't good.

Should there always be trust in a relationship, or are some things better kept unsaid?

[NeoStarO1]

Hmmm, well IMO sounds as if you'd be better off just being friends with this girl. Apparently she is still hung up on her "past" and hasn't been able to let go of it yet. She needs to learn how to let go before she can go on.

I'd step aside and just be her friend.

[butch81385]

well, if you care about her, you should care about past present and future. the problem is that you will have to wait longer until you build even more trust before you can help her. so i say you be caring, let her know you are there to listen whenever she wants to talk and when she is ready she will be open and you can help her get a better picture of what true gentlemen are like

take that for what you will as i am only 18 im sure the OLDer and wiser people can help you more

[Bovon]

I didn't read it all...so, I may not comment exactly right.

Years ago I had a similar experience with a young "lady". I discovered thru a mutual friend that the girl I was dating had a 'colored' past, and that I might be well advised to back off before I became too attached.

What did I do?.. I asked my dad.. I had a great dad.. I could go to him with anything (you may not be able to do that.. but I could). I asked dad what would be the right thing fro me to do..he ask if I liked the girl..well..yeah, I liked her..I liked a bunch of girls while I was growing up.. went "steady" with a different one each week.. I think. Anyway...dad said that people make mistakes...he did..I did..everybody does at one time or another..and if I liked the girl to date her..ask NO QUESTIONS... and play it by ear... I did exactly that..one day, after we had sorta began seeing the others...i.e., not going steady..she opened up one night and filled me in on a lot of unasked questions..then thanked me for not asking her..and treating her like a lady.

She eventually got to hold her head up among the rest of the girls in that area.. and her 'colored' past was forgotten.

I say, treat people like you would like to be treated..no body's perfect, and we all screw up sometimes..the heck of it is..a boy walks away free, and a girl doesn't (sometimes).

That was over 50 years ago...times change, but people don't.

[butch81385]

good advice bovon

[pickel]

Forget the past and look to the future. When she's ready , she'll let you know. Trust comes with time.

[OuTpaTienT]

Stop worrying about it. You have a right to be curious and to ask, but if she's not ready to tell you, then let it go. She'll tell you in time, until then stop thinking about it.

You said "Since I don't know what really happened, I get all these ideas of what could have happened, and that isn't good." That's silly. What could be so bad that it'd jeopardize your relationship with her now? She said it was a bad experience and left her not willing to trust guys. Well, figure it out. She got screwed over by some jerk. She'll give you the details when she's ready. You need to not be so concerned with it. Instead focus on the task at hand...which is, to show her that many of us guys are NOT jerks.

[Ed_S]

Originally posted by joker_927
We went out on our first real date without any friends to the movies tonight, and when I picked her up, I got to meet dad. The whole 30-second introduction seemed like I had the huge eye from "Lord of the Rings" staring into my soul. He looked at me like I was the devil, lol. Maybe exaggerating, but when we got in to car I asked if her dad is always so hard, and she said that he only has one previous example to base guys on, and that one wasn't good at all.

Well, as the father of an 18 yr old girl, this is one I can address. It's really something you can't understand until you're there, but I'll try to explain how Dad feels.

He really does have more than "one previous example". We "dads" may seem old, but we're still guys - with memories of our teen years, our behavior, and that of our friends. We know that not every young man has "only one thing in mind", many are "gentlemen". But we also know that at some point it's DEFINATELY going to be on your mind. Don't bother denying it, we know better - as I said, we're guys too.
And that's HIS baby girl you're thinking about!
In a nutshell, you just ain't good enough for her. No one is.

Doesn't really sound to me like he was "hard" unless there's more to the story. Just be polite & respectful around him w/o "sucking up". And for heaven's sake, if he says "home by X", you make DARN sure to be there, no matter what she might say!!

[Pexster]

Bovon, your comments belong on everyone's refrigerator door! You're a wise man.

[rubyred]

not to get into details, which would be quite a great novel, I have quite a "shaded" past as it seems to be called. I am not sure of the diffinition! I was never Mrs. Clever or what ever the oldest daughter is from Father knows best. Those people never have existed! When people set standards that reach beyond being human we all get in trouble. I have never been happier, I accept my past, present and I hope for my future to offer more adventures. Lighten up, be a friend. I am married to my best friend and would not have it any other way. Life is one big adventure, enjoy it (IMO that is)