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VNC from work to home normally will be quite slow. Heck it can even be slow over a 10mbps lan. Check the compression you're using. It isn't the best remote control solution (easily beaten by remote X/ssh sessions) but it works. You may also want to consider some form of tunneling as the VNC protocol isn't encrypted. TightVNC is compressed a little, buit not encrypted.
The most likely reason for your grey desktop is the display not being set right. What it sounds like its doing is just starting another X server on :1 instead of attaching to the one already running on :0. This will eat a pile of ram and CPU as well. Try the method crouse suggested. Sounds good to me.
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